Own Your $h!t, Not Everyone Else’s

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This is no halos here hosted by Jen Lang and Jane

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Stark, the place to inspire a change in your consciousness to

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elevate the world. We're to heart centered business owners

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nourishing our inner rebels while growing our respective

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businesses.

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No halos here is the result of bringing together an

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opera singer turn spiritual mentor and a marketing

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professional turned well being coached to meditate daily.

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Together, we unite physical, mental, emotional and spiritual

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energies into a powerful presence to lead, heal and

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inspire. We love exploring the shadowed edges of life, the

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universe and beyond through honest and thought provoking

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conversations. Let's dive in.

Jen Lang: 00:00:48

Hi, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of no

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halos here with Jen Lang and Jane Stark. Sharing one

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microphone. Hello. Hi. So this is our first episode of the new

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year for 2022. And I just happen to be visiting the area where

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Jane lives. So we are recording this in her home studio, which

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is kind of exciting

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and fun. That's kind of cool. It's only the second

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time we've ever done this. Yeah. So

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we're usually looking each other on screens. And so

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it's kind of funny to be like, looking at each other beside

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each other on screens. Yeah. Yeah, it's all good. So today,

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we wanted to get into this topic of owning your shed more deeply.

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And we wanted to look at the aspect of owning your shit, not

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everyone else's. And we've been talking about this for a while.

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And you might be asking yourself, How is this possible?

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Why am I in my own sovereign being I when you're talking

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about owning other people's stuff on other people's shit?

Jen Lang: 00:01:41

Well, I don't know, after the holidays, you might be feeling a

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little bit of fatigue, fatigued little bit people, though, yeah,

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people doubt and maybe indulged in too much food or drink, which

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happens to many activities. But the aspect of this we want to

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talk about is actually the people you spent time with, can

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also affect how you feel after the holidays. So

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yeah, yeah. And I think what we're talking about

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here specifically to is, is the energetics. And the stuff. It's

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like the subconscious. So if we're talking, we're talking,

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and we're talking boundaries. So there's, there's boundaries,

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where we can speak out our boundaries, we have our

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boundaries, but there's also emotional and energetic

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boundaries that aren't talked about so much. But is definitely

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been something that I think Jen and I have both been really

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working on through this past year, over the past couple of

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years. But I know for myself, really taking a deep dive into

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what this looks like in my life over the past year. And so that

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was what we were we wanted to take our discussion today,

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introducing you if this is a new concept to you, or maybe going a

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little bit deeper on this idea of energy and energetic

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boundaries and emotions and how we typically, especially highly

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sensitive people, and empaths. But I would kind of argue that

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we all are this way, we tend to be emotional sponges. And so,

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you know, we we will subconsciously because we are

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we're human beings bred for connection, we will connect

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energetically and emotionally with those people that we are

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with. And oftentimes we can be taking on the emotions and the

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feelings of others. And we don't realize it and so we identify

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those emotions as our own. And this is a really important

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distinction that we wanted to bring here and that we want to

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start to unpack around how do we start? Have bringing more

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awareness to what is our own stuff? And what is not our own

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stuff? We're chuckling because my daughter's in the other room

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supposed to be quiet. So if you hear banging around better, real

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life,

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real life Blewitt yes, good punctuation for the topic,

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I think. Right? Yes. So what is yours and what is not? And it

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might be that the feelings, like Jane said, the feelings you're

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experiencing, you may fully identify as your own you may

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believe and take them on as your own. But how do you start to

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discern and know really what's yours and what's not. So we're

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going to walk through some processes with you. Basically,

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Jane and I both, like Jane said, we've been both been working on

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it. But I think about late mid November, we started to unpack a

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really big piece of it, where there were these I'm not maybe

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unspoken agreements or unconscious agreements for us to

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process emotions for our loved ones. And I basically tracked

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mine back to my childhood where I had this role in my family to

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help others process their emotions. I took them on as mine

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and now it's my now with that distinction. I'm able to go

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that's not my I can return that to sender or I can let that fall

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away from me, so that I only have to manage my emotions and

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my feelings. And boy, since I've done that, I My life has felt so

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much lighter in so many ways. I felt almost like I've lost

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physical weight, but it's been energetic weight has been

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dropped. And I've had more space and energy to think about and

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focus on other things, which is a really nice refreshing feeling

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actually know what it was like for you?

Jane Stark: 00:05:28

Yeah, definitely. It definitely. For me, it same

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thing, it felt lighter, there was more space. But also, it

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made me really step more into and realize truly who I am. I

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think mine, mine was born out of fight, I look back and I know

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that for me, a lot of it is around. I've never been one

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likes confrontation. people pleasing. Yeah. And things like

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that, like learned behaviors that for whatever reason,

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wherever I picked them up, those were the behaviors that I

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learned. And so then it started to become, though that if I just

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processed everything for everyone, or just take that on,

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then I think that I'm helping or I'm doing, you know, I'm doing

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something, you know, to be liked or things like that. And so

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that's kind of where it came from. The other piece for me, I

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think is what I've realized is I definitely had something called

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the savior complex, or the rescuer archetype. And that idea

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that I can fix everything. And if I just take it on, I can fix

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it. And so again, a lot of this was subconscious, I didn't

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really realize I was doing it consciously. But as Jen said,

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back in November, when we both kind of had this awareness in

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our own, in each of our own situations, mine was really

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around this idea that like Holy smokes, I have been in the

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savior complex for my family, and friends, more so family,

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actually, let's, let's retract that for my family. But I have

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seen where I've tried to play it out in friendships. But you

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know, where all of a sudden, I'm taking on emotions, and I'm

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trying to fix things, quote, unquote, that maybe aren't

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really mine to fix. And in doing that, I'm also I'm not serving

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myself, because I'm actually exhausting myself and making

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myself sick, but I'm also not serving them, because it doesn't

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then give them the opportunity to go in and do their own

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healing work and, and work through what they need to work

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through. And so that was sort of a big realization for me.

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So I totally agree, because I was living some of

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that as well. And the way someone asked me recently about

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how that shows up in sort of practical ways in our day to day

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lives. And I think Jane and I both came to the realization

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that we were doing all this healing work, when we were

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doing, you know, going to see practitioners, or diving deeper

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on certain topics. And it felt like Groundhog Day. Yeah. I

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said to Jen, I had this realization of like, I am

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addicted to healing. Like, I am addicted to doing the healing

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work. And it's because I was perpetually in this cycle of

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just, oh, okay, so something's showing up again. Oh, I better

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go. Like, I'll take that on. And I'll go fix it. Because there

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is, yeah, there is a very nuanced me, I don't know if

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that's the right word. But there is a thing within our space in

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the coaching healing self help world, where it's like, this

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message of own your shit is strong. But it for me, I kind of

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misconstrued it to like, you know, oh, well, if you do when

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you do your own healing, it heals everyone around you. So I

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bought that as Oh, okay, well, then I'll just keep every time

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something came up. Rather than really looking at what part of

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this is mine. And what part of this is not mine, I would just

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take it on and be like, Okay, I got this, I'll take this to

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therapy. I'll take this to my Hypnotherapist. I'll take this

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here. And I would go in counseling. Yeah, I would go and

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take it, take the whole thing, and try and heal it when really,

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there's only a piece of it that I really should have been taking

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to those places. And so it became this addiction is what I

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felt like. And it was a real like,

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whoa, well, the other the flip side of that is us

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taking on that something's wrong with us.

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And that's exactly how I would sit in these things.

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It was like, Oh, I'm broken again. Oh, this must be me.

Jen Lang: 00:09:32

It's my fault. Yeah. And that's so that's the flip

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side. So if you catch yourself in this narrative or this

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dialogue with yourself going, Oh, something wrong with me or,

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like again, the more sort of uglier side of that would be a

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form of gaslighting where those around you are like, what's

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wrong with you? It's your fault. Why do you Why are you this way?

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Rather than

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you know, again, owning so it's really true.

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about them owning their part and things and you owning your part,

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and you being able to recognize what is yours, and what is not

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yours to take on. And I mean, the gaslighting conversation is

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a big one. It's really that sort of a more specific topic. But

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definitely it shows up in that. And I think you know what you

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were saying we to go back, I kind of detract us a little bit,

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but how this might show up in people's lives? Like, how can

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you recognize you're doing this? So one was you said, sort of

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like Groundhog Day. And it's like, that was sort of what was

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happening. For me, it was like, I have spent years and years and

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years, you know, doing my work and healing. And yes, I've grown

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in this, I've changed. And yes, lots of things have shifted. But

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the same little patterns kept showing up. It's all the time,

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it's a repeating pattern. Sometimes this might

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show up for you physiologically. So for example, I've had issues

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with my gallbladder for years, and I'm not talking major issues

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is just talking like discomfort, and twinging being careful, like

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what I ate and how much and when, like standard. I was like,

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oh, you know, I'm in my 40s now and like, maybe it's just this

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is what comes with the territory hormone or maybe not. And so as

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soon as I had released this pattern around, started to undo

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this pattern around clearing emotion for loved ones, my

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gallbladder twinges disappeared. And I was like, wow, how long

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have I been doing this unconsciously? So I'm not saying

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it's like, I'm not saying your you, as a listener are going to

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specifically have something to do with your gallbladder. But

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maybe you will, because it is a place of holding on to

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bitterness and resentment. So what if that bitterness and

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resentment isn't actually yours to clear, but it's showing up in

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you?

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Because you're actually holding on to it? It is

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your it is needed to be released? Right? We know. I

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mean, again, it's proven that stored emotions turn into dis

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ease and chronic pain in the body. Like, and so if we look at

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this, and if we're storing if we're and so that kind of shows

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up in unprocessed emotions and moving those through and there's

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a couple of great resources, gamma taze when the body says no

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is one. And I never say his name, right. But the body keeps

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score. We'll put the link in our show notes. Then I can't

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remember his name. He Bestival.

Jen Lang: 00:12:15

Yeah. Oh Bessel Vander Kolk, thank

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you are two great resources on this concept of how

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the body and emotion how the body stores emotions. But this

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is a big piece of what we're talking about, right? So we know

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that stored emotions can often turn into chronic pain and

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chronic illness. So that's another that's another hint in

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terms of where this may be showing up if you have some of

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those types of things. Again, this isn't like a panacea, like,

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you know, here's your solution. But these are all the pieces,

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this is another piece of that puzzle to start looking at. And

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so that so those are kind of the ways that it might show up in

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your life. And looking at how then how do we deal with this?

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How do we what do we, you know, what's our

Jen Lang: 00:13:04

so well, there's some tools around you know, emotional

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release, sometimes that might actually just might just be

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movement. So if you're feeling frustrated and angry, and

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exercises an outlet for you, then definitely exercise yoga,

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cardiovascular exercise, you have a rebounder, I prefer to do

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stretching, I did karate for years, I figured that, honestly,

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karate has really helped me manage my anger and like fury

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and frustration because it's, it might sound violent, but it's

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actually a non violent way to release pent up emotion and move

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it through the body. So those exercises are wonderful ways to

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move those emotions, the emotional, other other emotional

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release tools.

Jane Stark: 00:13:47

Some of them are a little bit more you need to kind

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of like be coached through them. Yeah. But I think the first

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piece is even just starting to like tap into your intuition and

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start to notice you know, when you're feeling an emotion, see

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if you can kind of move outside of that emotion a little bit and

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become the observer and ask like literally stop and ask the

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question in your head or out loud if you'd like but is this

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mine and see what comes through yes or no you'll start to the

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more you do it, the more you'll start to like notice that your

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intuition will give you that answer. And sorry, I was just

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gonna say that you know when you get that you know getting that

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intuitive hit and if it's not yours again it's like sometimes

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it's as simple as setting that intention to okay just released

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this from my body and just be like hey body like let's let

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this go.

Jen Lang: 00:14:35

Oh other practical ways of just along that

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especially with emotions, because water is an element

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associated closely with emotions. So having a hot bath

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or having a shower. Actually, someone I client I spoke to the

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other day said that their psychologist told them to every

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time they had a shower, imagine the water washing away the

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emotions feelings both of the day and anything that's not

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yours. So first, the physical Hi And then you have emotional and

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mental hygiene.

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And that, I think, is what we're talking about

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today, right? This is the piece where like emotional and mental

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hygiene, we don't do it and don't ever taught it. It's never

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taught, it's not talked about. And it's such an important piece

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of life, because that resentment

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that you may harbor known or unconscious or

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unconscious, whatever's happened, that resentment you're

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going to hang on to is going to result in some form of disease

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that you will take to a traditional practitioner, maybe

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your medical doctor, your allopathic doctor, and they'll

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run you through all these tests. But rarely, if ever, will you

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get a practitioner who will ask, what are the emotions that

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you're hanging on to you that you think might be contributing

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to this condition? And that's a big question to ask yourself, if

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you find yourself with digestive upsets, that's a big one. And

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sometimes those are linked to anxiety. And there's, again,

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it's a rabbit hole, right? Work with someone work with a coach,

Jen Lang: 00:15:58

a professional, a naturopathic doctor, you'll have you don't

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just need one doctor, you need a team of people who are there to

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support you, and to can provide different perspectives on

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helping you unpack this another practical tool that we created

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his the empowerment playbook, which walks you through a

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process to discern whether those emotions and feelings like

Jen Lang: 00:16:18

what's bothering you in your life? And how can you unpack

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that and we give you creative tools to move that through.

Jane Stark: 00:16:25

We also tie into that we just recently launched

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our 321 countdown offer, right, which is all about this, it's

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all about looking at, you know, those kind of twofold, it's

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about taking all of the information that's out there,

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and you know, the information overload that we're in and

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helping you unpack that and turn information into transformation.

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But the crux of that is, and a huge part of that is, before you

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do that, again, you have to we have to be able to identify what

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is our own to transform, and what is not ours to actually

Jane Stark: 00:16:53

transform or do anything with and to just let it go. And I

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think another sort of point on this that I just wanted to make

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is that we're not just talking this isn't, this isn't just

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like, Oh, you got in a big argument with no, you know, your

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partner or without your parent or family member or something

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like that. And it's like big emotions. This is this is like

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Jen said, kind of like hygiene, this is stuff that if you start

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to bring this into your practice, daily, ideally, you

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it's amazing how much better you'll notice you feel a little

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thing, like it's just shifting some of this stuff out. And

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rather than keeping it in, because when we when we don't

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process this stuff, that is when we have it turns into anxiety

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and and then sometimes it turns into something worse, but so it

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can just be from being out in the world. It's like our world

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is busy, it's chaotic, you know, work for many of us is extremely

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busy. And we don't even realize it again, we're emotional

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sponges. So we're just soaking up everybody's all spectrums of

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the of emotion, right? It's not just

Jen Lang: 00:17:54

in the grocery store, the exactly the Christmas

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shopping you may have done, or the sales after the holidays,

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were in, like, it's like, think of this big emotional soup,

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you're going to the mall to do the post holiday shopping, and

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all of a sudden you're mixing physically with people, but

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you're also mixing emotionally, there could

Jane Stark: 00:18:13

be grief, there could be joy, there could be

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anger, there's like every emotion we can think of right.

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And so if our tip to you is just starting to pay attention to

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this and look at this at a micro level. Like that. And then if

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you know, then working with a coach and being able to go

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deeper. So again, something like our 321 countdown offer, which

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is three sessions, where we kind of dive into this with you,

Jane Stark: 00:18:40

three sessions with Jen and I, you know, can help really help

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to differentiate because it can be hard in the beginning to

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really, truly be able to identify what is yours and

Jane Stark: 00:18:50

what's not, it's not, it's not just super obvious all the time,

Jane Stark: 00:18:54

like I say, starting to pull into your intuition is helpful.

Jane Stark: 00:18:57

But really, I mean, I've been doing this work for a long time.

Jane Stark: 00:19:00

And you know, just a month ago had this massive realization

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that I was carrying around some really big stuff that wasn't

Jane Stark: 00:19:07

mine. And I had no idea I had completely identified it as my

Jane Stark: 00:19:10

own, you know, continued healing journey to do. And so to be able

Jane Stark: 00:19:15

to just put that down.

Jen Lang: 00:19:17

I think it's a lot more common than we think and

Jen Lang: 00:19:20

like yeah, really, what we are talking about here today is

Jen Lang: 00:19:24

probably the tip of the iceberg. And when we start to take

Jen Lang: 00:19:26

responsibility for what's ours and send back to the others

Jen Lang: 00:19:30

what's theirs, then we will all be better ahead because the

Jen Lang: 00:19:34

faster you can come into alignment for yourself, the

Jen Lang: 00:19:38

faster you will get to where you need to be to have a healthy

Jen Lang: 00:19:42

aligned and abundant life

Jane Stark: 00:19:43

and if we're constantly taking on everyone

Jane Stark: 00:19:45

else's stuff, a we're not getting ahead because like you

Jane Stark: 00:19:48

say we're not in alignment. Be we're not even then giving

Jane Stark: 00:19:52

people the opportunity to to go and do that work for themselves

Jane Stark: 00:19:56

because you're trying to fix it. You're taking it on So yeah, we

Jane Stark: 00:20:02

are just I think you're right, we are just scratching the tip

Jane Stark: 00:20:04

of the iceberg. But, you know, I, it's, uh, we feel that this

Jane Stark: 00:20:08

is a really big important conversation to start having.

Jane Stark: 00:20:12

And, you know, Jen and I have really started talking about

Jane Stark: 00:20:15

owning your shit. And that's kind of becoming our tagline and

Jane Stark: 00:20:18

our slogan, and we're all about that personal responsibility

Jane Stark: 00:20:21

piece. But the reason we wanted to bring this episode to you

Jane Stark: 00:20:24

today was because I think the second piece of that, that not

Jane Stark: 00:20:28

everyone else's, is equally as important. Yeah. And that's, you

Jane Stark: 00:20:33

know, the, the conversation we wanted to bring here and being a

Jane Stark: 00:20:37

new year, the beginning of the year. And as Jen said, In the

Jane Stark: 00:20:40

beginning, you know, we're coming off holidays, where we

Jane Stark: 00:20:43

may have been, you know, the little people though, seeing

Jane Stark: 00:20:46

more people than we normally would. Now is a time to really

Jane Stark: 00:20:51

sit and look and reflect on like, how am I feeling after all

Jane Stark: 00:20:55

of this? And what have I picked up? And

Jen Lang: 00:20:58

is it yours? Yeah. So use that, that that yes. No

Jen Lang: 00:21:03

muscle? Is it yours or not? That's a muscle that you have to

Jen Lang: 00:21:06

just basically exercise to practice. Yeah. And it's not

Jen Lang: 00:21:09

always going to be clear. And you have to be really okay. And

Jen Lang: 00:21:11

accepting with that not being clear. So that being said, go

Jen Lang: 00:21:15

give it a try. Just right after you listen to this podcast, tune

Jen Lang: 00:21:19

into how am I feeling right now? And is it mine? Is that try and

Jen Lang: 00:21:23

identify that emotion? The other book we can point them towards?

Jen Lang: 00:21:26

Is the mark Brackett book.

Unknown: 00:21:28

Oh, yeah. No, got a trickier one. Is it feelings?

Jen Lang: 00:21:33

It's got permission to feel. But give yourself

Jen Lang: 00:21:37

permission to feel the emotion. Then ask Is it yours?

Jane Stark: 00:21:42

Yes. And I have not read it yet. But there's a

Jane Stark: 00:21:44

fourth book that I do have on my Christmas list is Brene Brown's

Jane Stark: 00:21:47

new book Atlas of the heart. Yeah, I have not read it. But

Jane Stark: 00:21:51

like I say, Follow McBurney and follow her work. And this one

Jane Stark: 00:21:55

from what I understand is all about the you know, emotional

Jane Stark: 00:22:00

intelligence and emotional language and letting us

Jane Stark: 00:22:03

understand or helping us to understand which I think is the

Jane Stark: 00:22:05

other key part of this, we're gonna wrap it I just want to say

Jane Stark: 00:22:09

that I think this is the other piece and and Mark brackets

Jane Stark: 00:22:12

book, permission to feel is all about this, that we don't

Jane Stark: 00:22:16

actually have the language for emotions. Most people will say,

Jane Stark: 00:22:22

I'm happy, I'm mad, I'm sad. But so as we continue to, like

Jane Stark: 00:22:27

expand our dialect around that and start to get the words in

Jane Stark: 00:22:30

the language to describe truly how we're feeling, that is also

Jane Stark: 00:22:34

a big piece of this and will help you open up so yeah,

Jane Stark: 00:22:37

definitely check out those four resources that we will put in

Jane Stark: 00:22:41

the show notes to them Rene's book and Mark brackets around

Jane Stark: 00:22:46

emotional IQ. And then Gabor Ma Tei and

Jen Lang: 00:22:52

Bessel Vander Thank you.

Jane Stark: 00:22:55

Their books are when the body says no, and the body

Jane Stark: 00:22:58

keeps score. And that will kind of give you that connection from

Jane Stark: 00:23:01

the health perspective and potentially if you are

Jane Stark: 00:23:04

struggling with some chronic pieces, what the connection

Jane Stark: 00:23:07

could be there from an energetic and emotional perspective.

Jen Lang: 00:23:11

So awesome. Have fun with that. Exactly. Welcome to

Jen Lang: 00:23:16

the new year starting from practicing a new skill and

Jen Lang: 00:23:19

practicing something that will make your life lighter, brighter

Jen Lang: 00:23:22

and easier in the long run. It might feel a bit confusing at

Jen Lang: 00:23:26

first, we're always here if you have questions you can certainly

Jen Lang: 00:23:29

reach out to us at Hello at we are Jen and jane.com That's

Jen Lang: 00:23:32

sometimes just a really easy like, Hey, I listen to this

Jen Lang: 00:23:34

episode. Question just send us a send us an email.

Jane Stark: 00:23:38

I'd love to hear from you. I'd love to hear from

Jane Stark: 00:23:39

you. We really want to keep this conversation conversation going.

Jane Stark: 00:23:42

So on that note,

Jen Lang: 00:23:44

have an awesome awesome day, night afternoon

Jen Lang: 00:23:46

wherever you are in this world and we will catch you next week

Jen Lang: 00:23:50

on

Jane Stark: 00:23:51

bye for now, I thanks for joining us for these

Jane Stark: 00:23:56

conscious combos. If you're ready to dive deeper, head on

Jane Stark: 00:23:59

over to Dr Jenn and jane.com to continue the conversation. If

Jane Stark: 00:24:03

you'd love this episode, please take a moment to share with your

Jane Stark: 00:24:05

friends or your network and leave us a review by going to

Jane Stark: 00:24:08

Apple podcasts. Find us on Instagram at we are Jen and Jane

Jane Stark: 00:24:11

and let us know what you enjoy and what you would like to see

Jane Stark: 00:24:13

more of. We'd love to hear from you.