Radical Responsibility is Choosing Yourself

Jen Lang: 00:00:08

This is no halos here hosted by Jen Lang and Jane Stark, the place to inspire a change in your consciousness to elevate the world. We're to heart centered business owners nourishing our inner rebels while growing our respective businesses.

Jane Stark: 00:00:21

No halos here is the result of bringing together an opera singer turn spiritual mentor and a marketing professional turned well being coached to meditate daily. Together, we unite physical, mental, emotional and spiritual energies into a powerful presence to lead, heal and inspire. We love exploring the shadowed edges of life, the universe and beyond through honest and thought provoking conversations. Let's dive in. Hello, and welcome back to another episode of the no halos here Podcast. Today you have myself Jane coming to you with a solo episode, I wanted to chat a little bit about a concept that Jen and I've been talking about a lot lately of taking radical responsibility or personal responsibility for our lives, as we lovingly call it, owning your shit, and owning your shit kind of came out of discussions around reflecting on our lives, and I'll talk specifically today about my life and how this looked and unpacking what that means. And the thing that I wanted to really unpack today is that it's about owning both the good and the bad. So owning your shit isn't just about the hard stuff, or your shadow side, or, you know, your traumas and all of that. It's also about owning the good stuff, the strengths, your courage, your gifts, and, and all of that, those pieces like that's, it's like owning the good shit, right. And so what is really been transformative for me with this concept is how empowering it is. It's where I find my personal power, it's when I can look at what has happened and transpired in my life to help me shift and move out of feeling like a victim to feeling like I have power over my life or agency in my life, and can co create. And so when I look at my, you know, look at my past and how this has come about, for me, I spent a lot of years looking externally for the reasons that things were the way they were for what happened. And for why, and sometimes, actually, most of the time, there's good reason for why things happen in our life and with what's you know, what's going on, and they're oftentimes very much out of our control. But what I found is when I started to actually take responsibility for my life, and for what it looked like, and then I was able to start transforming things, it didn't mean that my life all of a sudden became rainbows and sunshine. It just meant that I felt that I had more control or more like a say more agency over my life and my perspective of things was able to shift and change. And so to kind of frame up this conversation, I was doing some reflection on the past year of my life, and some big shifts and changes that I have had with my family, and what the lessons were around that. And so to give, you know, a little bit of a background to the story. About 14 months ago, my family and I were in a place of stagnancy, I guess we were feeling a bit stuck. Nobody was really thriving. We were just, you know, continuing on in life, things weren't bad. We have a we have a wonderful life. But we were all just feeling stuck. And there was there's definitely been some things that we were struggling with. And then in July of 2019, so just sort of in the still what we call the beginning phases of the pandemic. My husband received the COVID Casualty slip, and was given a severance and lost his job. And at that time, so our kids had been home from school since about March of that year, right when everybody got sent home from school and works we'd already been at home trying to navigate online schooling with children and having kids home while we were home working full time as well. And, but it just everything felt a bit stuck. And I looked at my husband and I said, you know, what if we just took a breather, like what if you didn't go out and look for that next job? What if we took some time and you know, the kids are home that this was still in the summer but at that point was like, the kids are home, let's just take a breather and see what's next. And I'm so grateful he was on board. And he was kind of like, okay, and I work for myself. And so, and I have for about 12 years. So, you know, I was like I can, I can build up my business some more, I can look for other opportunities and sort of help

Jane Stark: 00:05:22

squeeze that gap, shrink that gap. And so we did. And then September rolled along. And here where I live in BC, schools reopened and kids went back to school, but it looked very different with lots of different protocols in place. And at that time, our kids, like I say, even pre pandemic, our kids weren't thriving, we had some challenges in school, certain things. And so I looked at my husband again, and I was like, What do you think about homeschooling the kids? What if we just don't send them back to school? Like, what if we really just do a big algorithm interrupt here, and again, he was on board, I remember this conversation, we actually had this conversation at 3am. One morning, like, in September, beginning of September, kids were supposed to go back to school and at 3am. Finally, we were just like, Forget it, let's do it. So we spent the last year of our life, my husband went from always being, you know, in the provider role in the family. We both worked, but he, you know, his, his job was demanding. And he was he was a provider. And I've been you know, we've had two children and, and the kids in school and whatnot. And it always felt like a bit of a grind. If I look back, like, it just never, it felt hard. And so all of a sudden, we found ourselves trying something different. And it wasn't easy. We had some the highs were high, and the lows were low. And there has been a lot of lows over the last year. But I would not change it for the world. And so fast forward to today to kind of give a bit of context, because it's not I don't really want to dive into don't need to dive into all the different highs and lows of the past year. But if we fast forward to today, my girls are back in school, one of them's at a different school, the other ones back at her previous school, but back in a very different mindset, a very different way. And just about two weeks ago, my husband is back at work. And so we're kind of doing another pivot, we're like, okay, 2.0. Now, what does this look like? Because even though he's back to work, or the kids back to school, on the surface, it looks very different than I did 18 months ago. And so I wanted to kind of unpack what I've learned from that. And within the framework of like, how this looked in terms of owning our shit, and taking personal responsibility for our life. So, you know, it took a lot of courage to do what we did. And I wanted to downplay that a few times, I've been like, oh, you know, like, yeah, we just made a decision to do that. And I've had to really, I've had some big conversations with people where this has helped me own that and go, Yeah, you know, what, that did take courage we made, we took a risk. I mean, we we let go of my husband's income, we didn't try and replace it right away. We live in one of the most expensive places in the world. And we're choosing to live here. And we had to dig deep and figure out how to do that. And, you know, also we live in a society that values education, and what was that going to look like? And how, like, we don't know how to homeschool? We're not we've never been sort of typical traditional homeschool parents, how are we going to do this? And so it took a lot of courage. And it was uncomfortable. That conversation at three in the morning that morning, felt there was an element of feeling excitement, and I'm like, ooh, because I actually really love to kind of disrupt and do things like that. But it was also so scary. There was so many what ifs, oh, my god, is this the right decision? I mean, we're talking about our kids lives here, what and our livelihood, right. And so what I really realized is that courage looks different for everyone. But it's found in the moments when you feel that discomfort and you do it anyways. Because you're listening to that deep knowing you're listening to that voice into that nudge. And that's what we did that day. So, you know, it took courage and it took grit for us to make that choice. And to, to stick with it. And you know, it was very interesting to see people's reactions when we told them what they were doing. A lot of people were like, Wow, good for you guys. That's so awesome. That's so great. Other people, you know, it was oh my gosh, that's like, really, you're doing that or that? Like, I could never do that. Yes, you can.

Jane Stark: 00:09:43

So what else trusting? I also, really I think this past year has really taught me to trust on a much, much deeper level. Trusting you can feel like you're flailing around like you're in limbo. You know, there were so many times aims were it we didn't know, didn't know what it was going to look like, didn't know how it was going to go, how are the kids going to respond to homeschooling? You know, where is the money going to come from? How were we going to do all of these things? And, you know, even as we got sort of closer to like, just this past summer, when we knew that it was the right decision for our kids to go back to school, what was that going to look like? Were they going to transition back into school? Okay, would they be behind from having a different year, this past year than most of the other kids? So many questions. And every time I had to just keep coming back to this deep knowing and trusting and I had this feeling like I just, I would have this voice going, it's gonna be okay. It's gonna be okay. I didn't know what that look like. I mean, all summer, we were sort of in limbo with one of my daughter's schooling, or her school, we knew that going back to her previous school wasn't wasn't an option. It wasn't the right place for her. But we didn't have an answer yet. And we didn't have that. That confidence of knowing, okay, well, she's going to go here, or it's going to look like this. That took some time. And then the ball landed, when my husband finally, you know, when he kind of decided that going back to work was the right thing for him and for our family. Again, it was we didn't know what that was going to look like, what kind of job was he going to end up in? Was it going to be similar? I mean, before he was in sales, and so he traveled, and as you probably know, sales can be a very demanding role. And so you know, it was okay, are we going back to that? What is this going to look like? What's he going to be doing all the things we didn't know? That ball has now landed to, and it feels so good, because it's landed in a way that we couldn't have predicted. And it's exactly what we need. And so that trusting though, that trusting piece was hard, because I didn't know. So trusting isn't about needing to know the outcome. It's truly about being connected to that deeper inner knowing and being able to surrender. It's so much tied into this art of surrender, right of surrendering and just going okay, I trust I know, it's all gonna work out. I don't have the answers all right now. But I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and following those breadcrumbs and following our Yes. And that's what we did. And it got us to where we are today. So, you know, did we thrive financially through the past year? No, I wouldn't say we did. We live, like I say, we live in a very expensive part of the world. But I also had to come back to that everyday and go, like, we are choosing this, we are choosing our reality every day. And my husband and I had a really interesting conversation about a week or two ago, we were reflecting on some of this. And, you know, I was like, you know, it's interesting, like, we're conditioned to invest in material things, right? We invest in a car, we invest in a house, we invest in a big Reno in a house, we invest in trips for our family, like all sorts of things. But when we invest in ourselves, it doesn't necessarily feel the same way, or people don't look at it the same way. And we kind of looked at it, we went, you know, we chose to invest in our family this past year, we, you know, there's lots of other things we would love to you know, we need a new car, at some point, love to run our house, like there's, there's these wants on our on our list that I know will come and I trust will come in their time. And we could have made that choice last year and done that instead. But we invested in our family. And, you know, together we made this choice that we were going to figure out a way to do this and make it work. And I'm I don't have this answer. But it's it's brought up some questions. And it's interesting to me that we don't view this in the same way. So a lot of people, like I say, people would say, wow, like, I could never do that, or I don't know how you did that. Or oh, you must have had all the resources to be able to do it. And yes, we, you know, we did have some resources. And we were fortunate, you know, to receive help in varying different ways.

Jane Stark: 00:14:20

But you have to take the courage, you have to have the courage to, to make the leap to take the risk to see. And also you know, we took the risk knowing and we had this conversation many times that if we had to pivot, we would pivot. If it wasn't working, you know, if all of a sudden financially it was like this is just not going to work or if again, mentally, you know, we weren't in a good place then we you know, we were conscious that then okay, we've got to make another decision and there were many times throughout the year that we had to do that check in is this still the right thing for us? So, you know, I just I bring that up because it's it's something I Just a seed I want to plan and it also ties into the work I do professionally as well, with coaching and in vet, you know, coaching, therapy. I mean, there's so many different ways personal growth, all of this, it's about investing in ourselves. And so many times we hear people say, Oh, I can't afford that. Well, when we don't make those investments, can you afford to be where you're at? In a year from now, six months from now, what is that opportunity cost for you? So for our family, I look back at the choice we made. And I would say like, that was a part of it, I didn't want to be in the same place. We were back then, now. And so we made that choice. We invested, we took risks, we made decisions from that place. And we're in a place now where so much has shifted and changed. And I'm just I'm so grateful that we had the courage to do that. So now, what have I learned? What have I? Where does the owning and taking personal responsibility come in? Well, first of all, like I said, it was taking responsibility for Hey, we don't love where we're at right now, in terms of all various different dynamics, what can we do to change that. And it doesn't necessarily mean that you have to take, you know that you have to have your husband, you know, lose his job and pull your kids from school and all the things this can happen on a much more micro level. For us. It just happened to be it needed to be these bigger shifts. But, you know, now I can see where and when we're living out of alignment so much more clearly and so much more quickly, which means that we can course correct faster. A quote that I heard recently from, I believe it was James Wedmore. And he might have been quoting somebody else. But James Wedmore is a business coach, and I was listening to his podcast. And he said, It's not about never falling off the horse. It's about how quickly you get back on. And it's so true. And if nothing else, that really sums up the past year for us, we fell off the horse quite a few times. But we were able to get back on, we were able to get back in line with the vision and what we were doing and what we're trying to achieve. So, you know, I also learned that when I follow my heart, when I follow those yeses when I create the space to hear that like, for me, it comes in kind of a hearing or knowing good things happen. But that doesn't always mean that it feels good in the moment. Like I say, it was scary. There were lows this year. And that's okay. And so that was the getting comfortable in the discomfort. That's where the growth happens. That's where the magic happens. And so, you know, on that same note, when these things did come up, when the fear did show up, when the I'm not good enough, showed up when the oh my gosh, we can't do this showed up. I found that courage to face those things and not run from them or avoid them. I did my work every time those various thoughts or things came up. Every time we were in one of those lows. I was able to go in and go okay, so what part of this Can I take responsibility for so that I can shift it and change it? And that was really, really pivotal in our experience, I think. So how did I own my shit, the good and the bad, I followed my intuition. I found my courage. I was willing to pivot when we needed to. I realized how resilient we are as a family. And we went against the status quo. I reached out for help. So I did not do this alone in the past year. My husband and I did not do this alone. In the past year, we supported each other. But we also had our own support networks. I'm a huge advocate of leaning on my coaches and my tools and all of that. And so I dug deep and did that this year. I also owned it when I felt like I was failing. And trust me there were many days when I felt like I was failing.

Jane Stark: 00:19:20

But I own that. And I was able to get back onto the horse every time. And this is what Jen and I do. We help you to own your shit so that you can live a life of courage, conviction and grace. Because I personally believe that's the most empowering way to experience life. So I hope this was helpful just to give you a little bit of a insight into my own personal life and my journey and my experience with this. And, you know, I encourage you to take a look at your own life and, you know, one of for me one of the places that kind of made it easy Just start to see the stuff I was looking at where I was playing the victim or where I felt like the victim in my life like, Oh, this is happening to me, why is this happening? And start looking at like, okay, so what can I do to change this? What role Am I playing in this. And if you want a little bit more guidance on how to do that, or to start doing that, and some journaling activities, Jen and I have just recently launched the empowerment playbook, which is just a really gentle way to help you reflect on various areas of your life and start to see where things are playing out what your role might be, what patterns are coming up in our life patterns are a huge indicator of when things kind of when we're feeling stuck or we're not thriving, we can start to look for Okay, I see that this has played out before or this plays out this way in this part of my life as well so that the link to that work playbook is in our bio and it will also be in the show notes here. And I think that wraps up what I wanted to share. So until next time.

Jen Lang: 00:21:10

Thanks for joining us for these conscious combos. If you're ready to dive deeper, head on over to Dr. Jenn and jane.com to continue the conversation.