Self-Acceptance and the Eff-It Forties

Jen Lang: 00:00:08

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conversations. Let's dive in.

Jen Lang: 00:00:48

Hi, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of no

Jen Lang: 00:00:51

halos here with Jen Lang and Jane Stark. Happy It's Wednesday

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when we're recording this, but it'll be Tuesday when you're

Jen Lang: 00:00:59

hearing it. So happy whatever day of the week. You weren't

Jen Lang: 00:01:02

hearing us.

Jane Stark: 00:01:07

Happy Monday through Sunday? Yeah. Yeah. Awesome. All

Jane Stark: 00:01:13

right.

Jen Lang: 00:01:14

We're jumping in today with self acceptance. And I

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think this came out of a i This is actually our community call

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topic for tomorrow's about the time this airs that community

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call will have happened already. However, I think we'll probably

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end up having another version of it. I feel like this is a big

Jen Lang: 00:01:31

topic to unpack topic. And I do want to go into like, how, why

Jen Lang: 00:01:36

don't you share how we came to this topic?

Jane Stark: 00:01:39

I'm actually trying to recall how we came to this

Jane Stark: 00:01:41

topic. I don't remember. I know it was some conversations a

Jane Stark: 00:01:48

couple of weeks ago that we were having, as most of our topics

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come out of. And I know for me, there was some stuff around

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weight and weight gain. And to get into that a little bit. But

Jane Stark: 00:02:01

is that how we came up with it? Like you and I to sit and talk

Jane Stark: 00:02:04

about that necessarily?

Jen Lang: 00:02:06

I think it was. I think it sort of there's a

Jen Lang: 00:02:09

couple of things that unfolded for me, I think we're lately

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I've been so one of the words I picked for this year was

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pleasure. And both pleasure in like the foods I eat pleasure

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and the experiences I have, where can I recognize pleasure

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in my life a bit more. And also make conscious decisions to

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invite pleasure pleasurable experiences in my life. And I

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found myself in this headspace of not being entirely satisfied

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with where my body was looking and feeling. So my clothing was

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fitting a bit tighter, that didn't feel pleasurable. But the

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food and lifestyle activities that I was engaged in, were

Jen Lang: 00:02:48

pleasurable. So where do I find this level of self acceptance

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around? This is where I'm at in my body is changing and

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shifting, wildly, honor, pleasure in some way. And it's

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not just tight. How do you do that? How do you do that? Well,

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stay tuned, because we're still unpacking this, to be perfectly

Jen Lang: 00:03:13

honest. That's kind of why we're having this conversation. But I

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also feel like, you know, I did some yoga. I was doing yoga

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fairly regularly in the new year, up until mid February. And

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then I just stopped and I was like, Man, I want to break. I

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just don't feel like doing it. And I walked the dogs I work,

Jen Lang: 00:03:31

you know, I is I walk 10,000 steps a day, on average, like I

Jen Lang: 00:03:34

have no problem with walking and movement. I took a conscious

Jen Lang: 00:03:39

pause from karate in September, October. But when I put my GI on

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a few weeks ago to help with a grading, I noticed that my GI

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was fitting differently. And so I was like, Oh, this is

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interesting. My body's shifted and changed. But so there was

Jen Lang: 00:03:53

this level of like, I'm just gonna say it. I felt fatter, but

Jen Lang: 00:04:00

happier.

Jane Stark: 00:04:02

Yes, I remember you saying

Jen Lang: 00:04:03

that. And I was like, and I'm not. No, I'm not saying

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these are mutually exclusive. This is my personal experience.

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And I certainly don't want to make a rightness or wrongness

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out of either of those situations or words because I

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think they can be really triggering for people. And

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because I have decided to prioritize pleasure this year as

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one of these words. A, an accompanying result of that is

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that I have gained a bit of weight. And I'm not talking a

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huge amount, but just enough for me to notice that my clothing is

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fitting differently. So where can I find this balance of self

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acceptance around the way that I feel? And the pleasure I'm

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enjoying and still, like let go of the social conditioning

Jen Lang: 00:04:59

around Body appearances and yeah, yeah, it took me back to

Jen Lang: 00:05:05

some awkward teenage years. Definitely. Some forgiveness

Jen Lang: 00:05:09

around that.

Jane Stark: 00:05:10

Yeah, yeah. Which is I mean, that's the, the social,

Jane Stark: 00:05:15

the social conditioning piece is this so big, right? And so,

Jane Stark: 00:05:21

like, I mean, I'm, I'm gonna, I don't know, same but different

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scenario where I've died to have gained weight, call it the

Jane Stark: 00:05:28

COVID-19 call it whatever we want, it's probably more likely

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that I'm now in my 40s. And my body is shifting and changing.

Jane Stark: 00:05:38

And, yeah, it's been an interesting journey where it's

Jane Stark: 00:05:41

similar to you I've sort of, I've been really trying to be in

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a place of self acceptance, and noticing. I guess, noticing

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where the judgment comes up, like the little the judgment in

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my mind the judgment of self, though, like, the resisting what

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is. So for me, I think one of the conversations we had

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recently was I finally, for a while I was holding on to the

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like, Kay clothes aren't fitting quite the way I like them. Okay,

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clothes, like some clothes just aren't fitting anymore. But sort

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of that like, Okay, well hang on to them, because I'll lose the

Jane Stark: 00:06:20

weight. Or, you know, and, and then finally, I was like, why am

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I? Why am I resisting this? Why am I walking around wearing

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clothes that don't make me feel good. Maybe I just need to

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actually just go out and buy myself some clothes that make me

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feel good. And that fit me comfortably. And it made me you

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know, it was something we that we talked about? And it's like,

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how many of us do that? How many of us resist going and buying

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the clothes? That make us feel good? Because then we have to

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actually acknowledge that we've gained the weight. Or then we

Jane Stark: 00:06:52

have to acknowledge our

Jen Lang: 00:06:53

bodies have changed. Yeah, that I've gained or lost

Jen Lang: 00:06:56

weight. Yeah. Yeah, whatever he not.

Jane Stark: 00:07:00

Exactly. And that is even the thing for me, it feels

Jane Stark: 00:07:02

like my whole body has shifted. Like, it's not just that I've

Jane Stark: 00:07:05

put on a couple pounds around my belly or whatever. It's like, my

Jane Stark: 00:07:09

jackets fit smaller and my like, everything.

Jen Lang: 00:07:13

My redistribution. I think that's kind of how I'm

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feeling bathers has been redistribution of, of mass

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around my body. And I like Believe me, I'm not sitting here

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like, agonizing over Oh, no. And five. Yeah, no, this is

Jen Lang: 00:07:29

definitely about that those, this is definitely not one of

Jen Lang: 00:07:32

those spaces. And,

Jane Stark: 00:07:35

but it is hard to love our bodies when they

Jane Stark: 00:07:37

change. Yeah, it's hard. Like, and even as somebody you know,

Jane Stark: 00:07:43

that I am not somebody who has struggled with my weight all my

Jane Stark: 00:07:46

life, I recognize that I'm, you know, I'm in that position. And

Jane Stark: 00:07:51

it's hard. Like I've, I've definitely struggled with it,

Jane Stark: 00:07:55

it's interesting how even just made me kind of look at and

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observe how all of these different aspects the outer,

Jane Stark: 00:08:05

like how we show up in the outer world, or how we look to the

Jane Stark: 00:08:08

outer world, it makes up our identity so much. I remember

Jane Stark: 00:08:11

going through this, this again, might seem a bit trite, but go

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with me here like, couple years ago, I died and chopped my hair.

Jane Stark: 00:08:22

Like and I all my life, I was pretty much a blonde of some

Jane Stark: 00:08:25

form or another I was born when I was a kid. And then I you

Jane Stark: 00:08:28

know, as a teenager, I started the highlights and, and just

Jane Stark: 00:08:31

kind of kept the blonde going. And so I always kind of

Jane Stark: 00:08:33

identified as some form of blonde. And then long story

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short, I had an experience a couple years ago, I had an

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opportunity to get my hair done and a makeover and kind of went

Jane Stark: 00:08:44

in like sure, do whatever you want. And I came out with like

Jane Stark: 00:08:47

the shortest haircut I've ever had. And basically, I was

Jane Stark: 00:08:50

Auburn. And yeah, that was a shock to the system. Like, why

Jane Stark: 00:08:56

are you telling me? Yeah, this was right before we met, I

Jen Lang: 00:08:59

guess I really struggled with a bit of like, my

Jen Lang: 00:09:03

identity like, whoa, who am I like, and I mean, it's just

Jen Lang: 00:09:06

hair. But it was a real like, wow, it is hair. Because that's

Jen Lang: 00:09:10

an identifying feature, right, your other appearance. And so

Jen Lang: 00:09:14

I'm gonna be telling you that about the surrender piece where

Jen Lang: 00:09:17

you surrender to the experience. And you do like in the universe

Jen Lang: 00:09:22

delivered more than

Jane Stark: 00:09:25

that morning in my journal. I was like, I'm open to

Jane Stark: 00:09:28

possibilities. There's I can't remember exactly what I wrote.

Jane Stark: 00:09:31

But it was like, I'm open to whatever opportunities come my

Jane Stark: 00:09:34

way and possibilities and data and little did I know that I was

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going into like, come out kind of looking like a different

Jane Stark: 00:09:40

person. And yeah, it was an interesting experience like to

Jane Stark: 00:09:45

really to go through. And there's a little bit of a little

Jane Stark: 00:09:49

bit of that sort of even just with the shifts in my body

Jane Stark: 00:09:52

lately where it's like, oh, okay, like, you know, I'm not I

Jane Stark: 00:09:59

don't know, just like you say that but the redistribution

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everywhere like so what I am comfortable in what I want to

Jane Stark: 00:10:05

wear, how I want to express myself through clothes and

Jane Stark: 00:10:08

everything else shifts and changes and starting to get

Jane Stark: 00:10:11

comfortable with that, but also recognizing like, oh, like, how

Jane Stark: 00:10:15

was that so much of my identity?

Jen Lang: 00:10:18

Right? I'd say it's similar. Like maybe it's like

Jen Lang: 00:10:26

it's an unpacking of identity. And so there's this level of

Jen Lang: 00:10:29

self acceptance that we have that's connected to a particular

Jen Lang: 00:10:33

identity that we wear on our outside. And that is reflected

Jen Lang: 00:10:37

in our inside I think of it similar to the matrix Kirk, and

Jen Lang: 00:10:40

I've just started watching the matrix movies again. Oh, yeah.

Jen Lang: 00:10:43

And when they are in the matrix, they look different than when

Jen Lang: 00:10:47

they're outside because it's this quote unquote, residual

Jen Lang: 00:10:49

self image. Right. And so we have this residual self image

Jen Lang: 00:10:55

inside of us that is linked to how we appear and look and see

Jen Lang: 00:10:59

each other in the mirror, or in our, you know, our reflection.

Jen Lang: 00:11:05

And when that is challenged, or changed, like when we surrender.

Jen Lang: 00:11:11

So I was thinking, actually, when you were when you were

Jen Lang: 00:11:13

telling me about this hair story again, it's like you gave up a

Jen Lang: 00:11:18

form of agency and allowed your identity to be fiddled with by

Jen Lang: 00:11:24

someone else.

Jane Stark: 00:11:26

And then you allowed my image.

Jen Lang: 00:11:29

Yes, yes. Yes. So your image to be, which then caused

Jen Lang: 00:11:33

you a deeper inquiry into your identity? Yeah. So, but I had

Jen Lang: 00:11:39

situations where I've made drastic changes to my hair and

Jen Lang: 00:11:43

my appearance. But I chose those. So I told my hairdresser

Jen Lang: 00:11:47

exactly what I wanted. Yeah. And I'm talking like major, like, I

Jen Lang: 00:11:50

have naturally dark brown hair. And it was like longish. And I

Jen Lang: 00:11:54

was like, make it short. Make it like ProRack bleach blonde crop,

Jen Lang: 00:11:58

right? Like, very, very different. I did this when I was

Jen Lang: 00:12:01

25. Yeah. So

Jane Stark: 00:12:03

yeah, like I've gone from blonde to dark brown, like

Jane Stark: 00:12:06

years and years and years ago. But you know, kept it long as I

Jane Stark: 00:12:10

like. But yeah, the like to allow somebody to just do what

Jane Stark: 00:12:14

they sort of wish. And to go from like, I think that was the

Jane Stark: 00:12:18

other thing, it wasn't just to go from like blonde to Auburn,

Jane Stark: 00:12:20

it was to go from like, longer, like shoulder length, or longer

Jane Stark: 00:12:24

brown up blonde hair too short, Barbara and was like, whoa. And

Jane Stark: 00:12:30

as you were, as you were sort of saying that too. And as I'm

Jane Stark: 00:12:32

reflecting, it's really interesting, this will get back

Jane Stark: 00:12:35

to self acceptance, because I think this is part and parcel in

Jane Stark: 00:12:38

this. But like, I'm even just looking to right like, as I've

Jane Stark: 00:12:40

continued to surrender and go through my own journey and

Jane Stark: 00:12:43

become more in touch with who I am internally, my outward image,

Jane Stark: 00:12:50

like I'm thinking of things and things that are a little bit out

Jane Stark: 00:12:53

of my control. So the hair thing wasn't out of my control, but I

Jane Stark: 00:12:55

kind of surrendered, like you say to the universe, but some of

Jane Stark: 00:12:59

the like body stuff, the way my body's changing, feels a little

Jane Stark: 00:13:02

more out of my control. Without going into Yes, okay, there's,

Jane Stark: 00:13:07

you know, there are factors that we could look at, but I'm a

Jane Stark: 00:13:10

pretty even still with that I eat fairly well and barely

Jane Stark: 00:13:13

clean. Like, you know, same with like you were sharing with the

Jane Stark: 00:13:17

movement, I you know, I get my exercise and whatnot. So, but

Jane Stark: 00:13:22

where I was going with that, so that's shifting, and I'm having

Jane Stark: 00:13:25

to surrender a bit more to that. And then even things like my

Jane Stark: 00:13:29

glasses. So my, I've always, I've always needed glasses, or

Jane Stark: 00:13:35

contacts, but I've always worn contacts, like I've I'm like, I

Jane Stark: 00:13:38

was like a serial contact, where for like, from the age of

Jane Stark: 00:13:41

probably, I don't know, 1415 until about two years ago, all

Jane Stark: 00:13:46

around the same time, all of a sudden, a year and a half ago,

Jane Stark: 00:13:49

all of a sudden, my eyes just changed and like contacts, like,

Jane Stark: 00:13:55

I make me want to scratch my eyes out. And so I've had to go

Jane Stark: 00:13:59

to glasses. And it's not just like glasses here and there,

Jane Stark: 00:14:02

right? Like, I need corrective lenses all the time. I'm, I'm I

Jane Stark: 00:14:07

can't operate without something. So I've had to surrender. But

Jane Stark: 00:14:11

again, I've always identified more as like somebody who

Jane Stark: 00:14:14

doesn't wear eyeglasses, and I've struggled with the late

Jane Stark: 00:14:16

meeting to wear glasses like 24/7 And it's not an I mean,

Jane Stark: 00:14:22

yes, again, this is probably all like hormonal really when we're

Jane Stark: 00:14:25

looking at it, but the surrendering of the identity

Jane Stark: 00:14:28

piece and the surrendering of like, if I look at myself, five

Jane Stark: 00:14:32

years ago, even it's like, you know, blonde 1020 pounds later

Jane Stark: 00:14:38

didn't wear glasses like like, I just sort of going through this

Jane Stark: 00:14:43

Yeah, as we unpack this, I'm like going through this real

Jane Stark: 00:14:46

like feels kind of like metamorphosis of like shedding

Jane Stark: 00:14:51

parts of who I am. And so to roll back to come back to the

Jane Stark: 00:14:55

self acceptance piece. It's definitely been a challenge of

Jane Stark: 00:14:59

like self acceptance, right of accepting. And it's not that

Jane Stark: 00:15:03

like, I mean, I actually like glasses, both on myself and on

Jane Stark: 00:15:08

other people. I don't like that I have to wear them 24/7 I'm

Jane Stark: 00:15:12

struggling with that part, I really would like to be able,

Jane Stark: 00:15:15

again, the control freak in me is like, I want to be able to

Jane Stark: 00:15:18

wear glasses when I want to wear glasses. That's like, that's not

Jane Stark: 00:15:22

a statement. But they can be both, right, but that self

Jane Stark: 00:15:27

acceptance piece, right of like, I am still the person I am

Jane Stark: 00:15:31

whether I'm 20 pounds heavier wearing glasses, and, you know,

Jane Stark: 00:15:35

like, but it's so interesting how that can be really

Jane Stark: 00:15:41

challenging.

Jen Lang: 00:15:41

I do I'm having some similar experience with with my

Jen Lang: 00:15:46

hair. Okay, so as I'm in like galloping through my body, an

Jen Lang: 00:15:50

interesting thing was a really interesting term because I think

Jen Lang: 00:15:54

it gets a relevant topic that, yeah, I think a lot of people

Jen Lang: 00:15:57

don't unpack men and women. And so I've personally discovered

Jen Lang: 00:16:01

that my hair is wavy, quite naturally. So I'm like working

Jen Lang: 00:16:04

with the wave, which I kind of like actually, it's quite

Jen Lang: 00:16:06

feminine. But I'm obviously there's more gray coming in. And

Jen Lang: 00:16:09

so in the last two years, I've had, I've always had some blonde

Jen Lang: 00:16:13

highlights and stuff like that. But in the last two years, I

Jen Lang: 00:16:16

have noticed friends who haven't seen for a while or when we

Jen Lang: 00:16:18

moved back to Canada, who were like, Whoa, love the gray. I'm

Jen Lang: 00:16:22

like, oh, like, it was so gradual for me. And they're like

Jen Lang: 00:16:25

you're rockin the look, it's great. I'm like, oh, okay, sure.

Jen Lang: 00:16:29

And so there's this level of self acceptance that's linked

Jane Stark: 00:16:34

to his social conditioning was red hair again,

Jen Lang: 00:16:37

right, gray hair. And also, this is something else

Jen Lang: 00:16:40

I've noticed. And it's anecdotal. But how I'm noticing

Jen Lang: 00:16:46

how others are viewing me differently. Now that I have

Jen Lang: 00:16:49

more gray hair. Even though I still feel for ya, even though I

Jen Lang: 00:16:54

still feel like I still sound youthful and young. And

Jen Lang: 00:16:58

absolutely, I have I quite I would totally be the first to

Jen Lang: 00:17:01

admit I have a youthful energetic energy to me, way of

Jen Lang: 00:17:06

being in the world. And every once in a while it crossed his

Jen Lang: 00:17:09

mind. I was like, Oh, I wonder if like, I'll comment on

Jen Lang: 00:17:12

something or I'll be talking to film. I was like, Oh, I wonder

Jen Lang: 00:17:14

who they think like, who's the lady with the gray hair? Because

Jen Lang: 00:17:18

of these perceptions that we have about people who are older

Jen Lang: 00:17:21

or have more gray hair? But that's kind of my own lens and

Jen Lang: 00:17:24

my own conditioning on what I think those people think. Yeah,

Jen Lang: 00:17:28

but it did have one experience. It's

Jane Stark: 00:17:30

judgments to that little social conditioning

Jane Stark: 00:17:32

conditioning. Right, these little thoughts of like,

Jen Lang: 00:17:37

Yep, I did have one experience at an electronics

Jen Lang: 00:17:40

store where I was replacing a cable, a charging cable for my

Jen Lang: 00:17:44

phone. And I had bought for Kirk, and I was talking to the

Jen Lang: 00:17:49

attendant in the store. And he was like young guy 2830. Like

Jen Lang: 00:17:54

not young, young. But you know, I'm gonna say he was a

Jen Lang: 00:17:57

supervisor. wasn't like he was 18. And don't know. But no, they

Jen Lang: 00:18:04

were trying to like, Man splain me about the cable.

Unknown: 00:18:08

This lady doesn't know anything about

Jen Lang: 00:18:10

God. I just like, Dude, I thought the internet

Jen Lang: 00:18:16

before you were even born. That was like the dialogue in my

Jen Lang: 00:18:19

head. I was like, Are you heckling me because you see that

Jen Lang: 00:18:23

I have gray hair and you think I haven't actually, quote unquote,

Jen Lang: 00:18:25

use the cable correctly. I'm like, it's an effing cable. It

Jen Lang: 00:18:30

doesn't

Jane Stark: 00:18:30

work. Do you think I was just gonna, like, unpack

Jane Stark: 00:18:34

that quickly? It's interesting. Where is and I know that you and

Jane Stark: 00:18:38

I can do this. So we're going to do it here on the podcast. But

Jane Stark: 00:18:41

like, is that your own? Feelings of the gray hair and projecting

Jane Stark: 00:18:48

that? Oh, it must be the gray hair and he thinks I'm old? Or

Jane Stark: 00:18:52

is he? Or is it the female dynamic where it's more of a

Jane Stark: 00:18:56

transplanting thing? Or a bit of both? Or maybe it's just him and

Jane Stark: 00:18:59

he was not overly? You know what I mean? He thought

Jen Lang: 00:19:02

he was genuinely trying to be helpful. Yeah, all

Jen Lang: 00:19:05

of these are possible. And I can't know the answer. But I

Jen Lang: 00:19:08

just thought it was interesting to me that like it took, you

Jen Lang: 00:19:11

know, he went to the effort of like taking it to a computer and

Jen Lang: 00:19:13

showing it to my phone. And I'm like, I was like, I've done

Jen Lang: 00:19:16

that. And I've done that. And I've done that. And my husband

Jen Lang: 00:19:19

has done that. Can you please just replace the fucking cable?

Jen Lang: 00:19:22

Because it is. I kind of feel like if my husband had gone in

Jen Lang: 00:19:27

with that request, it would have been a 32nd transaction and not

Jen Lang: 00:19:32

a five minute rigmarole. Yeah,

Jane Stark: 00:19:34

that's interesting, right? Yeah. And quite possibly

Jane Stark: 00:19:37

it would have been I mean, that's unfortunately the reality

Jen Lang: 00:19:39

that is we live in and that's the I also feel like

Jen Lang: 00:19:42

that's an unconscious bias piece. Yeah. Where? So then,

Jen Lang: 00:19:46

obviously, that feeds into a question of self acceptance. Can

Jen Lang: 00:19:50

I accept where I am? In this stage of my life and my

Jen Lang: 00:19:55

appearance and my an honor, my knowledge, my wisdom and my

Jen Lang: 00:19:59

expertise? and let go and shed other people's judgments about

Jen Lang: 00:20:04

what that means. Yeah, then I mean, not about not about me.

Jane Stark: 00:20:08

Yes. I mean, and that is the root of self

Jane Stark: 00:20:11

acceptance, right? When we can actually come to a place of

Jane Stark: 00:20:13

accepting ourselves for all like, strengths, weaknesses,

Jane Stark: 00:20:16

what we see as positive and negative. But it is hard in a

Jane Stark: 00:20:19

society like we live in today. And even, you know, even looking

Jane Stark: 00:20:24

like I was, there was a meme, or a meme, I think was a meme.

Jane Stark: 00:20:31

Anyways, I think I mentioned this to you. But a month or two

Jane Stark: 00:20:34

ago, somebody showed this to me. And it was something going

Jane Stark: 00:20:36

around, that showed like women in their 40s and 50s, from like,

Jane Stark: 00:20:41

the 40s, and 50s, versus women in their 40s and 50s. Today, and

Jane Stark: 00:20:46

you can just kind of imagine, like, think back, right?

Jane Stark: 00:20:49

Actually, it wasn't even it might not have even been that

Jane Stark: 00:20:51

long ago, when there might have been like women in their 40s and

Jane Stark: 00:20:54

50s. More in like the 60s to 80s. But like, if you think

Jane Stark: 00:20:57

about it back then, like women's have continued to become how to

Jane Stark: 00:21:03

explain this, like youth has, like women in their 40s and 50s

Jane Stark: 00:21:08

Look Younger still now compared to women in their 40s and

Jane Stark: 00:21:11

50s 20 3040 years ago. And so but it's like, are we, I don't

Jane Stark: 00:21:19

know, like, there's just something I'm like, and I'm so

Jane Stark: 00:21:21

I'm in my 40s now, and I look into all these shifts and

Jane Stark: 00:21:26

changes are happening. And I want to keep you know, I enjoy

Jane Stark: 00:21:30

keeping up with fashion and, you know, various trends and things

Jane Stark: 00:21:35

like that. But at the same time, I also am very conscious of

Jane Stark: 00:21:40

being like Kay, I'm 40 not 25 anymore.

Jen Lang: 00:21:44

Yeah, like, I might shop at Forever 21 and find one

Jen Lang: 00:21:48

or two pieces, but I'm certainly not going to build my wardrobe

Jen Lang: 00:21:50

out of a shop named forever 21.

Jane Stark: 00:21:55

And so, like coming to those acceptance places, I'm

Jane Stark: 00:21:58

not sure where I was going fully with that, but but this coming

Jane Stark: 00:22:02

to this place of the acceptance, I also I guess that's the other

Jane Stark: 00:22:06

thing I was sort of going to is this, you know, the fact that

Jane Stark: 00:22:08

we're both in our 40s and, you know, it's kind of like that

Jane Stark: 00:22:11

Fuckit 40s Yeah, so how much of this self acceptance piece also,

Jane Stark: 00:22:18

for us is playing in like, I am finding it easier now than I

Jane Stark: 00:22:22

even did 510 years ago, to accept myself for even like,

Jane Stark: 00:22:27

Yes, I'm talking about changes are different. But I mean, I

Jane Stark: 00:22:29

I've gone through phases all my life, right? Where are like, I

Jane Stark: 00:22:32

remember I used to, I mean, I've never been one to wear a ton of

Jane Stark: 00:22:35

makeup, but I used to definitely my 20s and 30s, I would not be

Jane Stark: 00:22:39

going out places do now, like not the way I do now. But the

Jane Stark: 00:22:45

way I you know, like now, I'll go I don't care, like no makeup

Jane Stark: 00:22:50

glasses on, you know, whatever. Like, I don't care, I can go to

Jane Stark: 00:22:55

the grocery store. But like, there's a big,

Jen Lang: 00:22:57

broader social acceptance of that, in general,

Jen Lang: 00:23:00

although, of course, we are also located on the west coast, which

Jen Lang: 00:23:03

is a bit more relaxed, where that's concerned. And now, like

Jen Lang: 00:23:07

I'm speaking through the lens of having lived in Dubai and Abu

Jen Lang: 00:23:10

Dhabi. And also, you know, spending short times living in

Jen Lang: 00:23:14

England and Germany in the 90s. And, you know, actually, even

Jen Lang: 00:23:20

when I moved to Montreal, like fashion focused, right, so the

Jen Lang: 00:23:25

clothing that I used to wear in the West Coast, I would not like

Jen Lang: 00:23:29

did not translate well, in Montreal, absolutely. Even

Jen Lang: 00:23:33

precog. And I joke about like, we had a closet dedicated just

Jen Lang: 00:23:36

to shoes, because it's just, you know, because, you know, the

Jen Lang: 00:23:39

four very distinct seasons there. And obviously, you needed

Jen Lang: 00:23:42

footwear for all four of those seasons. But I had I had a lot

Jen Lang: 00:23:46

of colds, you know, and there's malls and shopping. And, you

Jen Lang: 00:23:49

know, yes, I was working as a singer. So there were definitely

Jen Lang: 00:23:53

I'm gonna say unspoken expectations around how I would

Jen Lang: 00:23:57

show up for auditions and the clothing I would need to offer

Jen Lang: 00:24:01

like for school and those kinds of things.

Jane Stark: 00:24:03

But salutely And I mean, some of it like I don't

Jane Stark: 00:24:05

work in an office anymore. Like when I used to work in an

Jane Stark: 00:24:08

office. Yes, like, but I noticed that even just more down to even

Jane Stark: 00:24:12

like having people over now that we're sort of doing that again.

Jane Stark: 00:24:15

Yeah, I just, I'm not so uptight anymore, about like the house

Jane Stark: 00:24:20

needing to be perfectly clean, or having to be all made up and

Jane Stark: 00:24:24

look a certain way. And so I don't know, I don't know if this

Jane Stark: 00:24:26

is like the bucket 40s or if this is the post COVID or if

Jane Stark: 00:24:31

this is like there's a number of factors. But there's also

Jen Lang: 00:24:35

partly generational. Yeah, or that sense because I

Jen Lang: 00:24:38

don't remember. I don't remember my mom being particularly Fuckit

Jen Lang: 00:24:48

40s In some senses, like, but she's also a product of her

Jen Lang: 00:24:53

generation and British so and British. That's you. Although

Jen Lang: 00:24:58

now I'd say she's more relaxed. But she's still very much is

Jen Lang: 00:25:01

about, you know, having her hair. I'm not to say perfect,

Jen Lang: 00:25:05

but like, look look nice. And wearing a bit of makeup before

Jen Lang: 00:25:09

she leaves the house and yeah,

Jane Stark: 00:25:11

yeah, I mean when I think back to you, right, like

Jane Stark: 00:25:13

as a child and teenager growing up, like, I definitely felt like

Jane Stark: 00:25:17

my mum was much more it was like, you know, at Christmas,

Jane Stark: 00:25:19

you know, Christmas Eve and it was like, you dress up to go for

Jane Stark: 00:25:24

dinner. And like, she's definitely relaxed now. I mean,

Jane Stark: 00:25:28

my mom also lives in a resort mountain town now. So, you know,

Jane Stark: 00:25:32

she's, and she's still like, I can tell sometimes, you know,

Jane Stark: 00:25:35

she'll still dress up the odd time, like, you know, for

Jane Stark: 00:25:39

Christmas Eve when you know, whereas my sisters and I are

Jane Stark: 00:25:41

kind of at the point where, like, it's just our family,

Jane Stark: 00:25:44

like, I'm gonna wear my stretchy pants to eat turkey dinner like,

Jane Stark: 00:25:48

Oh, good. Yeah. My mom still will, you know, but definitely

Jane Stark: 00:25:52

not like when I was a kid where, you know, you're right. Like,

Jane Stark: 00:25:55

when she would have been in her 40s There was still a bit more

Jane Stark: 00:26:00

of a like, no, there's times and places and we social expectation

Jane Stark: 00:26:04

like, dress? I think in general, you're right. Society wise,

Jane Stark: 00:26:08

we've definitely relaxed, which I think is a positive, you know,

Jane Stark: 00:26:11

and even this movement for more acceptance, actually. Yeah. You

Jane Stark: 00:26:16

know, like, with, you're seeing big brands, I mean, wasn't it

Jane Stark: 00:26:19

just recently, it's Sports Illustrated, I think, had a plus

Jane Stark: 00:26:23

size model on the cover. And so we are seeing that movement,

Jane Stark: 00:26:28

which is helping the self acceptance, I think we still

Jane Stark: 00:26:32

have a really long way to go.

Jen Lang: 00:26:35

Definitely. And in terms of that, and seeing, I

Jen Lang: 00:26:39

think that's supporting the self acceptance movement, because

Jen Lang: 00:26:42

also, we're having this conversation as to white

Jen Lang: 00:26:45

cisgendered women, married women. And

Jane Stark: 00:26:49

yeah, that's awful. That's level of self acceptance,

Jen Lang: 00:26:53

or level of self acceptance. And, you know, I

Jen Lang: 00:26:57

want to, like, definitely have a conscious conversation around

Jen Lang: 00:27:00

this, like, we are talking from our perspective as sis white

Jen Lang: 00:27:03

cisgendered married women, very, very privileged community,

Jen Lang: 00:27:06

middle class, privileged, upbringing and communities

Jen Lang: 00:27:09

definitely, like, we had different upbringings, I

Jen Lang: 00:27:12

definitely grew up through through some pretty hardcore

Jen Lang: 00:27:14

poverty when I was a child. But at the same time, it was, I find

Jen Lang: 00:27:19

myself in a great spot now. So the difference for people of

Jen Lang: 00:27:25

color, and for people who don't fit those heteronormative

Jen Lang: 00:27:29

definitions of, of course, it's wonderful to see more public

Jen Lang: 00:27:36

facing images out there, and conversations around that

Jen Lang: 00:27:41

acceptance piece. I still think that it's not unusual for

Jen Lang: 00:27:46

everyone to struggle at some level with self acceptance over

Jen Lang: 00:27:49

what you know, depending on what point in your life you're going

Jen Lang: 00:27:52

through, if you're going through, like an emotional time,

Jen Lang: 00:27:56

like roads, a family breakup, or something like that, even

Jen Lang: 00:28:00

children, children and teenagers God teaching, how do you teach

Jen Lang: 00:28:03

children and teens self acceptance when your peers? I

Jen Lang: 00:28:07

don't

Jane Stark: 00:28:07

know. But when you find out full Can you let me

Jane Stark: 00:28:09

know? Or when I get through it, I'll let you know. Yeah, it's

Jane Stark: 00:28:15

it's yeah, it's a it's, it's a tough one to watch and to

Jane Stark: 00:28:21

navigate. But I think it all comes I think, as you're

Jane Stark: 00:28:24

talking, so much of it comes down to it's this battle, even

Jane Stark: 00:28:31

back to this self compassion topic that we talked about a

Jane Stark: 00:28:35

couple of weeks ago, because I want to say it comes down to

Jane Stark: 00:28:38

self esteem. But self esteem is a tricky one. I don't know that

Jane Stark: 00:28:41

I really, I'm not fully on board with the whole self esteem

Jane Stark: 00:28:43

movement. In that, I think it creates some unhealthy

Jane Stark: 00:28:49

narcissistic traits. But self compassion, and learning to

Jane Stark: 00:28:54

have, and confidence, healthy confidence, I think is a key and

Jane Stark: 00:29:01

that for me, if I look at, again, my journey and how what

Jane Stark: 00:29:04

I'm sharing has, has kind of come together is that as I've

Jane Stark: 00:29:12

built my confidence on who I am as a person and really stepped

Jane Stark: 00:29:17

into more and more owning myself, yep. That's where the

Jane Stark: 00:29:24

like, give less fucks is coming from. So.

Jen Lang: 00:29:28

So you're seeing a direct correlation before

Jen Lang: 00:29:31

yourself between self acceptance and self confidence? Yes,

Jane Stark: 00:29:35

the higher my confidence goes, the higher my

Jane Stark: 00:29:38

self acceptance goes. And I think even you know, bring it

Jane Stark: 00:29:41

back to a little bit to the teens. I have, you know, one who

Jane Stark: 00:29:44

will be 13 in a couple of weeks. And another preteen and that is

Jane Stark: 00:29:50

always been, that's always been one of my things is parenting is

Jane Stark: 00:29:53

if I can raise confident girls. Yeah, that to me is the key for

Jane Stark: 00:29:59

them. to go out into the world and be whoever they want to be,

Jane Stark: 00:30:03

however they want to show up. You know, I Yeah. And so, you

Jane Stark: 00:30:09

know, and that's hard. I think with I've been saying a lot.

Jane Stark: 00:30:12

It's hard today it sounds like, it feels hard. I don't know.

Jen Lang: 00:30:17

It's challenging,

Jane Stark: 00:30:17

challenging, right? Because like you say, you are

Jane Stark: 00:30:20

working with so many different factors. But yeah, I think for

Jane Stark: 00:30:25

me, that is. That's exactly it. The correlation between

Jane Stark: 00:30:29

confidence. And I would sense yeah, and I would say, when I

Jane Stark: 00:30:32

look back at myself as a teen, and especially in my 20s. Yeah,

Jane Stark: 00:30:40

like, compared to where I am now, and all of the work I've

Jane Stark: 00:30:43

done, and all of the deep like self excavation, yeah, it's,

Jane Stark: 00:30:48

it's been a complete shift. And I do wonder if that's where

Jane Stark: 00:30:51

again, almost like, the elder needs to match the inner more,

Jane Stark: 00:30:55

we're like shedding this, like, needing to have this certain

Jane Stark: 00:30:59

image of how I look. Like doesn't matter.

Jen Lang: 00:31:04

I think that's super juicy. In the sense that, and

Jen Lang: 00:31:08

even if, if it makes you feel good to do your hair and put

Jen Lang: 00:31:12

makeup on every day, then do it. Like, yeah, absolutely. This is

Jen Lang: 00:31:16

the other like the other. I'm gonna say another angle to the

Jen Lang: 00:31:20

conversation is, is that this, you know, if it makes you feel

Jen Lang: 00:31:24

good to dye your hair until you're 97? Like fucking do it,

Jen Lang: 00:31:27

dye your hair until you're 97? I know people who did that. Yeah.

Jen Lang: 00:31:30

And more power to you. Why, how

Jane Stark: 00:31:32

are you? That's that level of success? Exactly.

Jane Stark: 00:31:35

Right. There's zero judgment. Yeah. And all of what we're

Jane Stark: 00:31:37

sharing, it's not about judging.

Jen Lang: 00:31:39

No. And the, I think when we let go of the judgment

Jen Lang: 00:31:46

narrative in ourselves, then we can find, obviously find it

Jen Lang: 00:31:49

easier to accept oneself and increase that self confidence

Jen Lang: 00:31:55

piece, but I think they all go hand in hand. And also, another

Jen Lang: 00:32:00

factor, I think, see is surrendering to what is. So, you

Jen Lang: 00:32:05

know, again, I think it ties into some of those things we

Jen Lang: 00:32:06

talked about, like what's in the scope of your control? Well, I

Jen Lang: 00:32:09

can manage my appearance. You know, and I, yeah, I could have

Jen Lang: 00:32:13

got up this morning, not had a shower and still run this online

Jen Lang: 00:32:17

workshop, and my hair would have been fine. But I knew I wanted

Jen Lang: 00:32:21

to feel better and fresher and have fresh, like, feel fresher

Jen Lang: 00:32:26

and cleaner and have my hair. I'm gonna sit down or style, but

Jen Lang: 00:32:29

it was like, you know, it's guaranteed and not bedhead. So

Jen Lang: 00:32:35

it's more about that's what helped me feel good for the

Jen Lang: 00:32:39

activity that I was taking undertaking this morning. Other

Jen Lang: 00:32:43

times, I'm like, tie the hair back and go. Yeah,

Jane Stark: 00:32:46

no, totally. I mean, I love like, I still, you know,

Jane Stark: 00:32:49

enjoy dressing up. And that was part of the reason for me to go

Jane Stark: 00:32:53

and buy some new clothes. To be honest, it was like, I need

Jane Stark: 00:32:56

there's definitely something to be said for. You know, we hear a

Jane Stark: 00:33:01

lot i i haven't I don't hear it so much anymore. But I remember

Jane Stark: 00:33:04

there was a period where it was like, oh, you know, it's

Jane Stark: 00:33:06

important to get up and get dressed every day, even when

Jane Stark: 00:33:08

you're working from home. Like get up and put those jeans on or

Jane Stark: 00:33:11

get up and put your makeup on. And I don't fully subscribe to

Jane Stark: 00:33:16

that. Like, I don't, I don't enjoy sitting around in

Jane Stark: 00:33:19

uncomfortable jeans all day in my home office. And but now I've

Jane Stark: 00:33:24

kind of found this balance where some days. Yeah, it's like no

Jane Stark: 00:33:27

makeup. And just like my Lulu is. And I'm comfy. And other

Jane Stark: 00:33:31

days, it's like, actually, it feels really good to put on some

Jane Stark: 00:33:35

jeans and a nice sweater and put my makeup on and just feel good

Jane Stark: 00:33:39

in our in my body. And so to be able to get to that place,

Jane Stark: 00:33:41

though of being able to do both. And I think the other key is the

Jane Stark: 00:33:45

intention. And the what it gives you. So for me, it's now coming

Jane Stark: 00:33:50

from a place of pleasure. If we come back to what you're saying.

Jane Stark: 00:33:55

It feels good. I enjoy it. I want to do it. It doesn't come

Jane Stark: 00:33:58

from a place of insecurity or like, oh, I can't let you know.

Jane Stark: 00:34:04

I can't go out without makeup on.

Jen Lang: 00:34:07

Yeah, no, no, I totally don't feel that way.

Jen Lang: 00:34:09

Yes. And I love that you tie this back to pleasure, because

Jen Lang: 00:34:12

at the end of the day, pleasure is a feeling worth honoring,

Jen Lang: 00:34:17

especially in your day to day interactions. And so perfect

Jen Lang: 00:34:22

example this morning, I was teaching an online workshop for

Jen Lang: 00:34:26

a government agency and I knew I wanted to wear a dress, but I

Jen Lang: 00:34:31

got out three possibilities. And I looked at the three dresses on

Jen Lang: 00:34:34

my bed and I was like okay, what's going to feel Hey, body,

Jen Lang: 00:34:38

Hey, Jen, what's going to feel really good to wear and still be

Jen Lang: 00:34:43

comfortable for teaching this workshop and teaching this work

Jen Lang: 00:34:48

because yes, it will be seated but there'll be some, you know,

Jen Lang: 00:34:50

like movements standing and stretching. And so I yeah, I

Jen Lang: 00:34:54

chose this blue dress and I love it and it's comfy. I've had it a

Jen Lang: 00:34:56

long time but I can dress it up and you know well The boys that

Jen Lang: 00:35:02

making that choice felt pleasurable. And the stress, you

Jen Lang: 00:35:07

know, fits me and my body no matter where I'm at. So I think

Jen Lang: 00:35:11

it's finding this balance of pleasure, self acceptance, self

Jen Lang: 00:35:15

confidence and acceptance around where you at where you're at in

Jen Lang: 00:35:19

your life, and what activity you're undertaking that day.

Jane Stark: 00:35:23

Yeah, absolutely. So if we go if we kind of wrap this

Jane Stark: 00:35:27

up with the self acceptance piece, and somebody that's

Jane Stark: 00:35:29

wanting to step into more self acceptance or get to that place,

Jane Stark: 00:35:36

how do we, how do we start on that journey? Oh, I

Jen Lang: 00:35:42

think it really depends how honestly, I would

Jen Lang: 00:35:47

start really small. This is from from purse from speaking as

Jen Lang: 00:35:51

someone who had very low self confidence for much of her teen

Jen Lang: 00:35:57

and I'd say young adult life, very low confidence, I would

Jen Lang: 00:36:00

start with something small, like what do you what's something

Jen Lang: 00:36:03

small that you love about your body? First of all, and in for

Jen Lang: 00:36:07

me, like something simple, I'm like, I've always loved my ears.

Jen Lang: 00:36:10

I don't know why. They just have a pleasing shape. They are

Jen Lang: 00:36:13

pretty. And so I started there. And then that self acceptance

Jen Lang: 00:36:21

piece, that was sort of the finding the love for myself and

Jen Lang: 00:36:26

my body and where I'm at, and I knew I knew I would, quote

Jen Lang: 00:36:31

unquote, never be a skinny kid, because I was never that kid.

Jen Lang: 00:36:38

And at the same time, I love my curves now. And yeah, sometimes

Jen Lang: 00:36:45

self acceptance takes, I'm gonna say conscious, intentional

Jen Lang: 00:36:50

practice, in the sense that, Okay, I accept that this is

Jen Lang: 00:36:53

where my body is today. And I also choose, I know that I have

Jen Lang: 00:36:58

the power to change that, that I felt I really cared about these

Jen Lang: 00:37:04

five extra kilos that I'm carrying around right now or

Jen Lang: 00:37:07

whatever it is that I want to shift or change. Yeah, I can

Jen Lang: 00:37:11

totally make some lifestyle, quote, unquote, exercise changes

Jen Lang: 00:37:14

to make that happen. But because my word is pleasure this year,

Jen Lang: 00:37:18

what's, what feels more pleasurable? If it brings me

Jen Lang: 00:37:21

pleasure to exercise to feel like I fit my clothing better

Jen Lang: 00:37:24

than I will follow that. So I think to answer your question,

Jen Lang: 00:37:29

for our listeners, where do you start with that self acceptance?

Jen Lang: 00:37:33

Follow the feeling of what feels good first. And see how it

Jen Lang: 00:37:38

applies to your specific circumstances?

Jane Stark: 00:37:42

Mm hmm. I like that. I've also, well, for me, it's

Jane Stark: 00:37:47

been a lot of questioning, like getting curious. So, you know,

Jane Stark: 00:37:54

if I'm like, oh, like, I don't, I don't like this role that

Jane Stark: 00:37:57

showed up. Or, like, I'm like, oh, so what? Why? Like, what

Jane Stark: 00:38:02

does that what am I making that mean about myself? Great

Jane Stark: 00:38:05

question. And so starting to unpack that now, I've got a lot

Jane Stark: 00:38:10

of the tools to do that self reflective work. But I think,

Jane Stark: 00:38:15

you know, I look and go, Why do we? Why do we judge ourselves so

Jane Stark: 00:38:21

harshly? And because we're where am I looking for outside

Jane Stark: 00:38:26

acceptance? It's actually because I'm looking to be

Jane Stark: 00:38:29

accepted by the external. And so what am I seeking in that? Like,

Jane Stark: 00:38:35

it's always kind of into this like, like, the void a little

Jane Stark: 00:38:38

bit, right, where we're seeking, we're seeking something outside

Jane Stark: 00:38:42

of us. And so what are we trying to fill?

Jen Lang: 00:38:44

Receive? Okay, seeking that external affirmation or

Jen Lang: 00:38:48

external validation, when in actual fact, we need to be

Jen Lang: 00:38:51

finding it. And that validation internally first, yeah. Yeah,

Jen Lang: 00:38:58

sort of like waiting questions. Let's put those in our show

Jen Lang: 00:39:01

notes. Yeah, so people, and obviously, if you don't have the

Jen Lang: 00:39:04

tools, and you want to look more deeply like

Jane Stark: 00:39:08

this is what coaching is a perfect container

Jane Stark: 00:39:10

for this right to start looking at this, because and oftentimes,

Jane Stark: 00:39:13

it's not really about the extra five pounds or the role or the

Jane Stark: 00:39:17

thing like, it's, it's about what's deeper, what's underneath

Jane Stark: 00:39:22

that it's about the emotions that are stored. It's about you

Jane Stark: 00:39:27

know, and really sitting in I remember one of our mentor that

Jane Stark: 00:39:33

both you and I work with, she has a program called flow body.

Jane Stark: 00:39:37

And one of the things that she talks about is like, really feel

Jane Stark: 00:39:42

into your body. And your body has sort of a I can't remember

Jane Stark: 00:39:48

like a setpoint. Right, and everybody's body is different.

Jane Stark: 00:39:52

And so one of the things that's been really interesting,

Jane Stark: 00:39:54

actually, I've noticed, as I've sort of stepping into this sort

Jane Stark: 00:39:58

of new body A lot of people, I've had a couple of people that

Jane Stark: 00:40:02

I haven't seen in quite a while that, you know, have said like,

Jane Stark: 00:40:05

Wow, you look really good, you're glowing? And, you know,

Jane Stark: 00:40:10

I'm like, oh, okay, thank you, you know, but I'm, like,

Jane Stark: 00:40:13

interesting. Like, just, I've had little comments like that,

Jane Stark: 00:40:18

where it's like, in some, and I've even had one conversation

Jane Stark: 00:40:21

with somebody who I know well enough to have this conversation

Jane Stark: 00:40:23

with blood, like, yeah, you know, I've done I'm really

Jane Stark: 00:40:26

trying to, like, step into this new body and accept it and

Jane Stark: 00:40:29

whatnot. And they're, like, you know, like, wow, you're wearing

Jane Stark: 00:40:32

it really well, like I can, you know, like, and even said, like,

Jane Stark: 00:40:35

Yes, I can see that you have, you know, your that you have put

Jane Stark: 00:40:40

on weight, but it looks really good on you. And it's just

Jane Stark: 00:40:45

interesting kind of perspective. And so, you know, that it's made

Jane Stark: 00:40:51

me question that too, and be like, perhaps this is where my

Jane Stark: 00:40:54

body actually needs to be.

Jen Lang: 00:40:56

Exactly. I think that's what I'm feeling about

Jen Lang: 00:40:59

this year with the pleasure piece. With like, this is where

Jen Lang: 00:41:02

my body needs to be right now.

Jane Stark: 00:41:04

Yeah. And five years ago, yeah, you know, my body was

Jane Stark: 00:41:09

at a different place. It needed to be so really like, and this

Jane Stark: 00:41:13

is very deep, it takes it definitely takes. This isn't

Jane Stark: 00:41:16

just a sit and ask your body thing, I don't think because

Jane Stark: 00:41:19

it's too easy for our egos to overtake. But really sitting

Jane Stark: 00:41:23

with, okay, if this is truly like the the healthy setpoint

Jane Stark: 00:41:27

for my body, how can I love and embrace that. Versus, we, you

Jane Stark: 00:41:33

know, we're so inundated with societal conditioning and

Jane Stark: 00:41:36

messaging that we need to be skinnier, we need to be fitter,

Jane Stark: 00:41:39

or we need to have the six pack or the, you know, the, the arms

Jane Stark: 00:41:43

like that are super strong and true

Jen Lang: 00:41:45

for men and women these days. Absolutely. Very

Jen Lang: 00:41:48

different ways. But they it shows up in different ways. But

Jen Lang: 00:41:50

it's, I still feel like men get a bit more of a pass than women

Jen Lang: 00:41:54

do. But the same images are presented and like I'd say,

Jen Lang: 00:41:58

especially rampant in, in for gay men and for for non non

Jen Lang: 00:42:04

cisgendered. Absolutely, yeah. Men. So so

Jane Stark: 00:42:07

really sitting in that and looking at what do you

Jane Stark: 00:42:09

have going on in your life? What do you have? Like, I've had a

Jane Stark: 00:42:12

lot of a lot of things going on in my life, too. So also looking

Jane Stark: 00:42:16

at that and going okay, so based on everything that I'm dealing

Jane Stark: 00:42:20

with right now? Am I really in a you know, Am I really in a bad

Jane Stark: 00:42:26

position? Not necessarily. And I think that's, that feels like a

Jane Stark: 00:42:31

piece of self acceptance, and that I'm sharing this, and I can

Jane Stark: 00:42:36

speak about it. And it still feels a bit achy, like I'll be

Jane Stark: 00:42:40

honest, when I even when I share it, there is still a part of me

Jane Stark: 00:42:42

that's like, like, but I just want to be that 10 pounds

Jane Stark: 00:42:46

lighter, like that little bit trimmer. But that's again, my

Jane Stark: 00:42:50

conditioning, and I'm aware of it.

Jen Lang: 00:42:52

So I have a friend who recently not my say to recently,

Jen Lang: 00:42:57

but earlier this year told me that they wanted to lose 20

Jen Lang: 00:43:02

pounds, and they're already a petite frame. However, I sort of

Jen Lang: 00:43:06

questioned them on I was like, Well, why why do you feel that?

Jen Lang: 00:43:09

Well, they they said, oh, I'll just feel better. I just feel

Jen Lang: 00:43:11

better. And so they're increasing their exercise and

Jen Lang: 00:43:14

activity level. And, you know, they're like, Oh, I've already

Jen Lang: 00:43:18

lost 10 pounds. I feel great. I just feel better when I'm this

Jen Lang: 00:43:21

weight. I'm like, okay, great self knowledge. But it's also

Jen Lang: 00:43:26

getting, are you? Are you doing that? Because of the number are

Jen Lang: 00:43:30

you doing that? Because of what this is how you used to look and

Jen Lang: 00:43:34

you're trying to go for this unattainable ideal of what you

Jen Lang: 00:43:37

were who you were 20 years ago, or like this is the other level

Jen Lang: 00:43:41

of self acceptance that this is the shadow aspect of self

Jen Lang: 00:43:44

acceptance, where you think you're doing it for one reason.

Jen Lang: 00:43:48

But the actual underlying messaging might be where the

Jen Lang: 00:43:53

underlying reasons might be something that you're not

Jen Lang: 00:43:56

willing to look at. Yes. So that's another facet. I was

Jen Lang: 00:43:59

going to ask one more sort of question that I can ask this of

Jen Lang: 00:44:04

you, but this is also for our listeners is like, what would it

Jen Lang: 00:44:07

take for you to accept yourself exactly where you are today, in

Jen Lang: 00:44:12

this moment? where you're at?

Jane Stark: 00:44:19

That's funny, and like a wash of calm comes over

Jane Stark: 00:44:21

me when you say that? Yeah. I think it's taking a hard look

Jane Stark: 00:44:26

like I sort of said about at, you know, when I've had to look

Jane Stark: 00:44:30

at like, okay, my body is shifting and changing. But I'm

Jane Stark: 00:44:37

doing the things like, I feel fairly good in my body. It's my

Jane Stark: 00:44:43

judgments of myself that don't feel good. So it's a different

Jane Stark: 00:44:48

energy than I'm in a rut. I'm drinking too much. I'm eating

Jane Stark: 00:44:53

like junk food and sugar all the time and pulling out the chips

Jane Stark: 00:44:57

which I have been there. And that's a very different feeling

Jane Stark: 00:45:01

to Okay. Like, yeah, I'm stepping into this new version.

Jane Stark: 00:45:07

But I'm, you know, I'm getting my sleep, I'm managing my

Jane Stark: 00:45:11

stress, I'm getting outside in nature. I'm getting like, I'm

Jane Stark: 00:45:14

sweating, you know, getting a sweat on I'm eating fairly

Jane Stark: 00:45:18

balanced. Like, there was a period in my life to where and

Jane Stark: 00:45:23

now I was doing this partly because of health, I had some

Jane Stark: 00:45:25

health during my like my more acute health challenges. But I

Jane Stark: 00:45:30

had to go I went really swung really far to the other side

Jane Stark: 00:45:35

where like, no processed sugar, no processed food, basically,

Jane Stark: 00:45:39

super clean eating no alcohol. And yeah, I dropped probably 20

Jane Stark: 00:45:43

pounds. And I was at my thinnest, I think one of my

Jane Stark: 00:45:47

thinnest had ever been, and I felt really good, because I was

Jane Stark: 00:45:50

really clean. But I was also living in a very rigid state.

Jane Stark: 00:45:54

Yes. And that is the other flip side of this too, right? So this

Jane Stark: 00:46:00

is this, like, kind of like what you were saying comes back to

Jane Stark: 00:46:02

the pleasure, like, do I want to live that rigidly so that I can,

Jane Stark: 00:46:06

like, have this body that, I think is what I need to somehow

Jane Stark: 00:46:12

my value gets tied into that. versus, like, having a more

Jane Stark: 00:46:17

balanced? Like, you know, like I say, for the most part, I eat

Jane Stark: 00:46:20

fairly well, but I've definitely loosened up where I'm probably

Jane Stark: 00:46:23

I'm probably now even more like 7030, you know, not necessarily

Jane Stark: 00:46:27

the 8020 rule. I'm probably more on the 7030 rule now where I'm

Jane Stark: 00:46:30

like, Okay, I'm going to have some of those chips, and okay,

Jane Stark: 00:46:32

I'm gonna like, go and grab that sweet or whatever. But like you

Jane Stark: 00:46:36

say, if that's what feels good and balanced? What's wrong with

Jen Lang: 00:46:41

that? Yeah. It's like any guess, obviously, we're in a

Jen Lang: 00:46:46

place of privilege where we can be making those choices and be

Jen Lang: 00:46:49

making those decisions. Although I do admit that I am adjusting

Jen Lang: 00:46:56

some of my say, I'm making more conscious food purchase

Jen Lang: 00:47:02

decisions. It's like, actually, I'm not going to buy the potato

Jen Lang: 00:47:06

chips. I'm gonna buy the apple chips instead. Right? Because

Jen Lang: 00:47:09

they're gonna have the same crunch. And they'll have they

Jen Lang: 00:47:11

have that obviously, better dietary. So making like more

Jen Lang: 00:47:14

bang for your buck, I'm gonna say. And that is a level of

Jane Stark: 00:47:19

revenue tuitions put into tremely from a privileged

Jane Stark: 00:47:22

place. Typically, that costs more money. Yes. So yes, there's

Jane Stark: 00:47:26

absolutely angles,

Jen Lang: 00:47:27

there's so many angles to look at it. Anyway, this has

Jen Lang: 00:47:32

been our part as a part one probably. Acceptance unpacking

Jen Lang: 00:47:36

self acceptance. Yeah, we will have already talked about it on

Jen Lang: 00:47:41

the community call by the time this episode goes live, but I'm,

Jen Lang: 00:47:44

I imagine we're going to be having more conversations around

Jen Lang: 00:47:46

it. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Jane Stark: 00:47:49

Yeah. And I was gonna say, because I think this

Jane Stark: 00:47:50

is a big piece of the work we do. We don't necessarily go out

Jane Stark: 00:47:53

and talk about our work in and self acceptance as a as, like,

Jane Stark: 00:47:58

one of the things but, you know, as we're talking about this

Jane Stark: 00:48:00

conversation, and thinking about our clients, and the work we do,

Jane Stark: 00:48:03

and when we were sort of talking about starting to unpack this,

Jane Stark: 00:48:06

it's absolutely at the core of the coaching work we do. And so

Jane Stark: 00:48:11

if you are looking for support, you know, if you're feeling if

Jane Stark: 00:48:15

you're having trouble in some of these areas, because the other

Jane Stark: 00:48:18

thing is it affects every area of our life, like definitely

Jane Stark: 00:48:21

affects so many different things. You know, reach out, you

Jane Stark: 00:48:26

know, chat with us. And, well, I

Jen Lang: 00:48:28

think this is actually great, definitely reach out and

Jen Lang: 00:48:30

contact us. And we also have, if you're curious and you have

Jen Lang: 00:48:33

something specific you'd like like, like the self acceptance

Jen Lang: 00:48:36

piece, we have a three to one count down offer, which has

Jen Lang: 00:48:39

three sessions two of us, and one transformation over a one

Jen Lang: 00:48:43

month period. And that is $777. But you get us two to one for

Jen Lang: 00:48:49

360 minute sessions. And it is a really powerful place to start

Jen Lang: 00:48:53

to unpack some of this. Yeah. So this sounds interesting to you

Jen Lang: 00:48:56

definitely reach out. I hope you've enjoyed our conversation

Jen Lang: 00:48:59

around the power is or the trials and tribulations of self

Jen Lang: 00:49:03

acceptance. I don't know. We don't know what we're going to

Jen Lang: 00:49:05

call this journey. I don't know it's a journey to get there, but

Jen Lang: 00:49:10

it's ongoing.

Jane Stark: 00:49:11

Definitely the fuck 40s

Jen Lang: 00:49:14

When the fuck 40s and fewer IN THE FUCK 40s 50s or

Jen Lang: 00:49:17

beyond? Yeah, find out more. And

Jane Stark: 00:49:20

if you're not if you're not there yet. This is

Jane Stark: 00:49:22

what you have to look forward to.

Jen Lang: 00:49:24

Good times. Okay. Okay. Have a great day,

Jen Lang: 00:49:26

everybody. Great to see you. Great to be in your ears. Talk

Jen Lang: 00:49:30

to you soon. Bye. Bye. Thanks for joining us for these

Jen Lang: 00:49:35

conscious combos. If you're ready to dive deeper head on

Jen Lang: 00:49:38

over to lead gen nj.com to continue the conversation.

Jane Stark: 00:49:41

If you'd love this episode, please take a moment to

Jane Stark: 00:49:44

share it with your friends or your network and leave us a

Jane Stark: 00:49:46

review by going to Apple podcasts. Find us on Instagram

Jane Stark: 00:49:49

at we are Jen and Jane and let us know what you enjoy and what

Jane Stark: 00:49:52

you would like to see more of. We'd love to hear from you.