Owning Your Shadow

Jen Lang: 00:00:08

This is no halos here hosted by Jen Lang and Jane Stark, the place to inspire a change in your consciousness to elevate the world. We're to heart centered business owners nourishing our inner rebels while growing our respective businesses.

Jane Stark: 00:00:21

No halos here is the result of bringing together an opera singer turned spiritual mentor and a marketing professional turned well being coached to meditate daily. Together, we unite physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual energies into a powerful presence to lead, heal and inspire. We love exploring the shadowed edges of life, the universe and beyond through honest and thought provoking conversations. Let's dive in.

Jen Lang: 00:00:47

Hi, everybody, and welcome back to another episode of no halos here with Jen Lang and Jane Stark. Hello. Hi, everybody. So this is actually a really exciting episode.

Jane Stark: 00:00:58

Yeah, this is our first time recording together in the same space side by side. Yeah. Oh my god. So if you don't know Jen, and I don't live in the same town, we live a two hour ferry ride away from each other. And so our friendship actually mostly started virtual. And this podcast was born out of thankfully, zoom.

Jen Lang: 00:01:20

Right? Thank you zoom.

Jane Stark: 00:01:22

So yeah, this is our first time we, we took a weekend away and met in the middle and have been deep diving into some work and what we want to create moving forward and took the opportunity to record.

Jen Lang: 00:01:35

Yeah, so here we are. And today, we have decided that we want to talk to you about Shadow Work. And we referenced this in our podcast, of course, it's called no halos here. So it kind of implies that we were definitely not goody two shoes, and we definitely do not operate and work in the world in a perfect and I don't know, always illuminated way. And at the same time, we also recognize that part of a conscious conversation is looking at your stuff. And as we've been talking about in previous episodes, previous episodes, it is about owning your shit. And it is about taking radical responsibility. But if you're always living in that land of love and light, then you're ignoring where the real work is.

Jane Stark: 00:02:21

Yeah, I think it's a delicate balance of being in that space, of positivity of love in light of, you know, there's value in it. But when we live only in that space, we're not, we're not when I think we avoid the opportunities for growth. Yes, comes out of the shadow.

Jen Lang: 00:02:44

Definitely, and the discomfort. And then if there was a third I was just looking for it was kind of like we don't always it is ownership of, you know, when we are always focused on the only the light filled option without looking at the shadow piece, or the maybe the piece that, like I don't even talk about fixing it, because it's not a question of fixing it. But it's a question of learning.

Jane Stark: 00:03:12

It's learning from it. It's growing. Maybe we maybe to back up a step here. Why don't we define what Shadow Work is? At least to us? It's a term that's thrown around a lot. Yeah, I agree in the personal development, self help community. But I mean, it's a bit of a jargony term.

Jen Lang: 00:03:31

It's definitely jargony.

Jane Stark: 00:03:32

So do you want what do you what Shadow Work for

Jen Lang: 00:03:35

You shadow work for me is the willingness to look at the uncomfortable parts of my life, whether it's the discomfort that or the uncomfortable parts that others have pointed out to me, or where I feel discomfort, like somebody has said something, or, you know, there's that phrase of being triggered. But it's not as for me, it's not as strong as that it's more around if I notice something, and I notice my feeling about it, and it's a feeling of discomfort. I'm like, okay, there's some work to do there. And sometimes if I dive deep enough, there's Shadow Work and healing on the Shadow Work is, it's been in shadow up until the point that I have noticed my feelings about it, and decided that I want to shine a light on it and pay attention, pay attention. And that's that's kind of what it is for me. So it's, yes, it's work because it's not exactly a walk in the park. It is, I don't know if I believe that it can be as easy as you make it because sometimes sitting with that discomfort in yourself, or your situation can be confronting, but not the phrase I'm looking for. You have to go through that concentration within yourself in order to come out the other side. So there's no it's like, you could look Got it and go, Oh, I need to do some work here. I'm not in a position where I can look at it right this second, but I'm going to park it for a couple of days, or I'm going to reach out to someone for support. And to help me through this, because you don't have to do it all yourself. In fact, you probably shouldn't, you should have, it's really good to have a trusted guide, friend, mentor, coach, someone that you can work with through this. So that Shadow Work aspect for me is seeing that discomfort to sum up, noticing discomfort, noticing my feelings about it. imagining what is possible on the other side of that and working through to the other side. How about you?

Jane Stark: 00:05:43

Yeah, I mean, somewhat similar, I'd say the word trigger, I do use a fair bit now where like, okay, looking at when I'm triggered, and what I mean by triggered is where I have emotional, a strong emotional reaction to something. So whether it's to something that someone says to me, the way someone treats me, you know, could be even as simple as reading something on social media, a post that really like and I notice a visceral reaction. That's a big one for me. Now I'm like, okay, and I have to stop and go. So what, how am I feeling? What is in this emotion in this reaction? Is it that a belief of mine is being challenged, and I can go deeper into that? Is it you know, something that I've, you know, experience that I've had in the past where maybe I've been hurt by something. And I haven't wanted to look at that. And just really starting to, I guess, shine the light back on myself. So rather than extra, laying blame or looking for an external justification of something. It's turning that like back on myself and going, why am I reacting this way? And when I turn that light back on myself and ask those questions, it has to come from a place of curiosity, not judgment. Yeah, because that's a really slippery slope. So it's not about self deprecation and shame. And all of that is truly about getting curious, because I agree, like you said, I now know that the power, the feelings that I crave and desire on the other side of looking at that and moving through it. So yeah, for me, I Shadow Work is as simple as just noticing my emotions, noticing my reactions to things in everyday life. And one of my sort of mantras or things that I've learned from one of my coaches is pretty much like, run towards your triggers not away from Oh, yeah. And the fast that, the faster you do that, and the more practice you have with that, the quicker and easier it gets. And the sooner you get to that other side.

Jen Lang: 00:07:52

And it's actually a thing for you, you kind of get, you find it more you find contentment more easily. Yep. And that inner serenity that we're all looking for, ultimately, and instead of being triggered by an external factor, either by a news story or a comment, a passing comment of a friend, or, you know, or your loved ones, instead of being triggered by that you can go look it up, oh, Is this mine? Yes, or no? Well, no, not really. Actually, we had this experience. Earlier, we've been had this weekend away, where we're doing some really deep dive work into we are Jen and Jane and what we're bringing forward into the world. And we were assessing some resources that we were playing with working with, and some groups and resources. And we looked at this one group or resource, and we were like, why isn't this feeling easy? And why isn't it feeling?

Jane Stark: 00:08:45

We were actually really triggered by it? We want to be like, Ah, this isn't for us. This isn't I don't like the way this is done. I don't like the way that is done. We were pretty good to me. And we had to stop and check ourselves. And you know, I think both of us at different times were like, Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay. Yeah. Is this the actual thing in the program? Or is this us? Yeah. And what are our beliefs? Or where is this not sitting? Right with us? And sometimes the answer is no, it actually is the thing and it just doesn't align with my values and beliefs. Yeah, cool. And other times it's like, though, yeah, no, this is my own judgments, and things that are coming out. So yeah, that was You're right. That was an interesting exercise where

Jen Lang: 00:09:29

we did that Friday, when we arrived, and now it's Sunday. And we're still willing to look at this resource. But because we've done basically the shadow work around it, we've looked at, okay, what did it awaken us? And how were we triggered and why were we triggered? And now we're like, okay, is it the way that this was presented? Or was it like you said more about our response to it and yes, it was a bit of both. But the actual if you look past the way it was presented, is The resource itself somewhere where we

Jane Stark: 00:10:03

feel we don't try, we don't know what we're gonna get. Exactly. And what are we missing? So here's another piece with not doing the Shadow Work. What would we be potentially missing? Yeah. By not looking at that side and going okay, what are we not seeing here? What are we willing to see or look at? What are we? Yeah. If we don't try, we don't know if we don't go through the discomfort and go, Okay, let's show up for this.

Jen Lang: 00:10:31

So it's funny that came up in a book I was reading recently. And it's, it's a young adult book, by CS Lewis. It's The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. So it's part of the Narnia series, I'm not sure if I don't know if they've ever made it to a movie, but whatever, doesn't matter. So every I don't know, every couple years, I reread the books. That's out of them. But there was a chapter this morning about, basically the, the dark Island. And how they were not going to go into this basically shadow of darkness. And the captain and the king were both like, nope, let's not go in. And then there's this brilliant, most talking mouse character called reepicheep, who is very bellington old, like old school, like chivalric night type of character. But he said, I would hate to have come all this way. And basically, in a nutshell, I would hate to have come all this way, and then turned back because we were afraid of the dark. And so they did go in. And then they end up finding like someone, one of the seven people that they've been searching for. But when they pulled this person onto the ship from the water, the person said, flee, flee for because this is the place where your dreams come true. And some of the sailors were like, Oh, hey, I'd like to stay here. He's like, No, you don't understand this is where not daydreams, the dreams you have at night come through, so it plays on all your fears, and it plays on like, what horrific dreams have you had at night that you're like, Oh, God, you know. So it's, they've gone into the shadow taking a look. And then they turned their auras around and rode back out into the light, they had to go into the shadow to find out what was there. And then make the decision to turn around and come out. They didn't necessarily go through it. But they found part of what they were searching for. Yeah.

Jane Stark: 00:12:21

And I mean, I think it's like when you shine the light on something, it can no longer exist. Rene brown talks about this, right? with shame.

Jen Lang: 00:12:28

And that's exactly what happened in the book. Because when they came out of the shadow, and they look behind them, it didn't exist anymore,

Jane Stark: 00:12:34

right? So yeah, and so that's the other piece, you know, we talked a little bit about what is a shadow? And how does it exist, and it's like you can't have we live in a world of duality. And so you can't have light. Without the dark, you can't know light until you know the dark. And so, you know, and when you shine the light in those kind of dark cracks and crevices. It feels really scary at first, like, Yeah, I just, yeah, but it's like, once you just kind of once you turn the light on, you're like, oh, okay, it's not as scary as I thought it was. And so, but I think, you know, in my experience, we haven't, it's back to this whole, we've never learned we're not taught how to be with our emotions, because really, that's what it is, right? It's, it's looking at our feelings, our thoughts, our thoughts, beliefs, and our emotions. And we're not taught how to be with those uncomfortable ones. Yeah. And so they become so big and scary, like the monster under the bed, that we don't want to look at it. But again, turn the flashlight on, and there's no monster under the bed.

Jen Lang: 00:13:45

Right? So then it would also be when I want to jump on and sort of dive into this a little bit about we're not taught to be with our emotions. And that's a, I think it's very much a social conditioning piece. And it's gendered as well. Both were not taught to sit with the discomfort of crying, because in some circles, crying is weak, or crying is like there's a judgment based on sitting with that emotion, just the same way that I'm just gonna use a broad generality, like Angry women are either laughed at or mocked or, or labeled bitchu labeled bitches. Whereas men who are in touch with their emotions are labeled as weak or sissies. These are very old paradigms that come out of I think a lot of toxic masculinity, but also, they are part of a social conditioning piece, honoring those emotions, no matter how you identify is valuable. So the way we you know, I think a way for you as a listener to start looking at that shadow within yourself is to go pay attention to when you're emotionally triggered or response sponding to something And give yourself the space to feel that emotion. And it might be that you have to put it off for a couple of hours or a day. But don't wait too long. You know, ideally feel in the moment.

Jane Stark: 00:15:12

Yeah. And get curious. Yeah, we have to get curious, I never used to get curious, I used to project outward when I would be, when I would have that emotional reaction, I would always immediately want to go to the story as to why I felt that way just made me feel that way justify it. And when I started to learn how to get curious about why I was having that reaction, because again, it's just it's our own reaction to an external environment. That's when I started to find my power.

Jen Lang: 00:15:43

So I think a key to finding then finding that inner power, and that inner fierceness is like doing the Shadow Work, and being willing, as well, however you call it you know, whether it's getting touch more fully with your emotions, processing your emotions, being witnessed in your emotions, that's all really important. valuable work.

Jane Stark: 00:16:05

Yes. And that's a good point to being witnessed. Yeah, that was also very powerful for me, when I started to help be able to a to allow people in to witness but to actually be witnessed. And just have it be okay, somebody to be able to hold the space that hey, yeah, you're feeling angry right now, or you're feeling you know, betrayed or whatever the emotion was, to have somebody hold the space without judgment and just witness that is really powerful. And I

Jen Lang: 00:16:34

think, too, there's an opportunity here to talk about that being witnessed space doesn't necessarily have to be physically witnessed. Or there is a different level of being witnessed where you can physically and energetically witness someone or, you know, there's, there's that level of witnessing the emotion without getting pulled in, or tied into their emotion. Yeah, where you're not being pulled in empathically too much. You can, like you said, sit there neutrally, but not coldly.

Jane Stark: 00:17:07

So what do you mean, when I energetically witness

Jen Lang: 00:17:09

mean, in sort of more, I guess, concrete spiritual terms where your higher self can reach out to their higher self. And, you know, you have to set the intention. So you're witnessing physically witnessing that emotional moment for that person. At the same time, you're sending the attention for your herself to communicate and connect with their higher self, and go, I see you, I witness you, it's okay. And then that will trickle down. Gotcha. That's it, you have a newer way, I've been working with that. Cool, and it's, it's powerful. And then the person who's having that emotion, feels on more like I guess I don't feels more deeply, but feels on other levels that they're supported. It's not just physically being witnessed. emotionally.

Jane Stark: 00:17:59

Yeah. The other thing that comes to mind, for me around this work is the saying, the breakthrough comes from the breakdown. Yeah. And so, and again, I often see this with clients where, you know, there's kind of this messy middle place, right, where you're kind of in, in the transformation in the change, and the emotions are coming up. And you know, it is all it is all the stuff that we haven't really wanted to look at, that starts to come up, I also notice when you make an intention, and you start to identify what it is you want to change, things will start to show up, the triggers will actually just start to show up. And that's happening. So to allow you to get through to the other side to what you want to create. And it does feel messy in the middle. And it does feel it can be overwhelming. And I remember my you know, especially in one of my sort of dark nights of the soul going through this like I can, I can almost go back and feel those feet like not feel those specific feelings. But remember what it feels like to feel that like in between that messy middle. And that's normal, that's a normal part of the process. And I think a part of getting through that is a like the trust and the trust in the process. And so just the reminder and the knowing that it is uncomfortable. And again, this is part of a lot of what we talked about, as well of being comfortable in the discomfort. But that is truly the pleat the path like to the next thing and what you're looking for. And yeah, I have a you know, a number of clients going through this right now where and they're literally like Jane, like this is uncomfortable. Is this normal? And it's like yeah,

Jen Lang: 00:19:46

and it's the other important point is to normalize the process. And that's also what we're talking about here too is when you're sitting in that discomfort and it feels really icky. Oh, I just I don't want to do this anymore. It's not a question of pulling back. It's Question

Jane Stark: 00:20:00

of pulling through finding that grit and that courage, yeah, really, really important to do this, like your, your, the word you're using fierce, like, that's the fierceness of like, and digging deep. It's the date like, we have to dig deep, this is part of our human experience. And I think that's the part to where, you know, we, we really like this work for lack of a better, I don't know how else to say that. But like, you know, it is part of the human experience, it is part of why we're here how we learn how we grow. And the more we do it, the more comfortable it actually becomes, it never becomes what we consider comfortable and pleasurable. I don't know,

Jen Lang: 00:20:44

there's all there's more layers, I think the pleasure comes from the getting through it. And you had the pleasure and the satisfaction of having the courage to come through it and recognize how far you've come like looking back and going, Okay, I did this, it was hard. And it kind of sucked at times, but I'm through it, I'm ready to it's kind of like those plateaus, you climb the mountain for a while you get to a plateau, you get to hang out, enjoy the view, see how far you've come, and then you gather the energy and the resource to climb that next level of mountain. And honestly, that's part of what being human is. Yeah, that's so a part of being

Jane Stark: 00:21:17

a human it is. And so I guess our message here today is, don't run from it. Yeah, embrace it, know that it is showing up to guide you to that next bigger thing that you want, and that you are stepping into, you know, I think you and I are both in our own journeys of this right now, too, with work, and we're wanting to step up into bigger versions of ourselves, and what we're creating here together what we're creating, individually, on our own, and it's, it's uncomfortable. Yeah, because it's gonna, it's, we are both having to show up in bigger ways. And to really find our voices even, you know, more and step into ourselves. So we're in it with you.

Jen Lang: 00:22:02

So how can we can you as a listener, find the courage or cultivate the courage to move through this. And we do have a new resource is coming out into the world called the empowerment playbook. We've talked about it on a couple of other episodes. But this is a great way to start looking at that, looking at some of those shadows, and go as deep as you need. It's not we're not asking you to go and revisit Oh, my God, this horrific experience when I was 12. And you don't have to start there. Start with

Jane Stark: 00:22:31

no, it's really just about starting. It's that reflection, it's, it's a process that just helps, might help be a bit of a guide to Okay, let me sit down and really think into where do I want to grow in a specific area of my life. And then if I want to grow in that area, having to start to look at the things that are stopping us and blocking us and then we kind of guide you through a bit of a process for how to start to unpack that. It's called a playbook

Jen Lang: 00:22:55

because we want you to play with it. It's not all serious, and it's not all it doesn't all have to be. Today I'm going to sit down and do my shadow work. It doesn't have to be that kind of

Jane Stark: 00:23:08

No, no. Like combat serious. Yeah, it's just not we don't take ourselves so seriously. I agree. Even though we got to also get comfortable in the uncomfort or in the discomfort. It doesn't have to be its it doesn't have to be so serious. Exactly. Okay, I got a ferry to catch. Yeah,

Jen Lang: 00:23:26

I gotta drive you to the ferry. Yeah, so we're gonna wrap this up. Thank you so much for joining us today for the owning your shadow piece. And we would love for you to download the empowerment playbook and start exploring your shadow. We are always here to help and guide you. If you have any questions, feel free to send us a DM on Instagram and find it through our other channels. connections and links are in the show notes below. And with that, have an amazing day and week ahead and we will see you next week.

Jane Stark: 00:23:55

Bye

Jen Lang: 00:23:56

Bye. Thanks for joining us for these conscious combos. If you're ready to dive deeper, head on over to Dr. Jen and jane.com to continue the conversation.